The Silence is Deafening

It is now the Sunday following the election of Donald Trump to the US presidency. There are continued reports of wave after wave of hate crimes being committed, all over the country - explicitly being committed in Trump’s name. (See my earlier post for a short list.) Since the KKK and the American Nazi Party, as well as many other white supremacist/alt-right groups, endorsed and supported Trump for president, can anyone be surprised? Many well-meaning people said of Trump’s bigoted speech during his campaign, “He doesn’t really mean that. He’s not really a bigot.” Well, these hate groups certainly took him at his word, and now feel free to act out their hatred. Yes, their hatred existed before Trump was elected, but now they feel empowered to act on that hate. And Trump and his supporters are silent in the face of these hate crimes.

To all those people who said, “I’m not a racist, I’m voting for Trump because of his economic plans” or “I’m not a racist, I’m voting for Trump because he’s pro-life” - why are you not outraged at the hatred being perpetrated in your candidate’s name? If you’re not really racist, why are you silently sitting by while gay/trans people, Jews, Muslims, Blacks, and Latinos are being attacked - in Trump’s name? Why are you not speaking out? Why are you not holding your candidate to his and your (supposedly) non-racist beliefs?

Dr. James Dobson - during the campaign, you claimed that Trump’s heart is “soft toward the Lord” and that Trump was “God’s man” to lead our country. Is this silence in the face of hatred indicative of a man who serves Jesus Christ? Wouldn’t a Christian be appalled that people are committing acts of hatred and violence in his name, and speak out to stop it? Wouldn’t a real leader speak out? And you, Mr. Dobson, why are you silent? You claim to serve Jesus. Why are you not, at the very least, advising Mr. Trump to speak out against this hatred? More importantly, why are YOU not speaking out against this hatred? 

And, Mr. Franklin Graham, I am asking the same things of you.

Because not one of these people - Trump, Dobson, Graham, his “non-racist” supporters - is saying anything about these hate crimes, I can only come to one conclusion: they are ok with what is happening.  Oh, they may not BE racist (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) but they’re ok with swastikas and Trump’s name being spray-painted on Jewish homes and businesses. They’re ok with Muslim women getting their hijab torn off. They’re ok with LGBTQI people getting beat up and their homes and cars vandalized. Their ok with men grabbing women’s crotches in public  and yelling, “You can’t do anything to me, b*tch! TRUMP!! TRUMP!!” 

No, I’m hearing nothing but silence. And that silence speaks volumes. 

Trump's America

It is Thursday, November 10, 2016 - two days after the US election, which Donald Trump won (though not by popular vote.) In that time, the number of hate crimes has exploded across the country:

• http://www.phillymag.com/news/2016/11/09/nazi-trump-graffiti-south-philadelphia/
• http://fusion.net/story/368783/donald-trump-racist-incidents-attacks/
• https://www.facebook.com/amaya30/posts/10100301808894796
• https://www.facebook.com/vincent.verhei/posts/10155396052518496
• http://gothamist.com/2016/11/10/trump_graffiti_nyu_prayer_room.php
• http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/crime/2016/11/07/cookeville-transgender-womans-truck-painted-trump-lit-fire/93452240/
• And in an incident that happened in my hometown of Spokane, WA (which has not been reported to the authorities) the grade school aged black daughter of a friend of mine was accosted in school by a white boy who said, “Now that Trump is president, you’re going to die!”

I could list dozens and dozens of more stories - Muslim women getting their hijab torn off, patrons at a gay bar being told “Your days are numbered, f*ggots!” White high school students in Philadelphia holding a Trump poster and yelling “White power! N*ggers go back to Africa” and on and on and on.

Now, the people perpetrating these crimes existed before Trump was elected. The hate in their hearts was there. But they knew that hate was wrong, or at least looked down on by the rest of society, so they didn’t act on that hate. But today, with Trump elected president, they feel emboldened, empowered to act on that hate. Why? Because the highest office in the land is about to be filled by a bigot. By a man who refused to denounce the KKK when they endorsed him. A man who literally encouraged people at his rallies to beat black protesters. His election has legitimized their hate and spurred them to act on that hate, because they feel that now “their time has come.”

And I am laying the blame at the feet of every person who voted for Donald Trump. Even if that person says they’re not racist, says they're not bigoted, that they only voted for him because of pro-life, or his economic policies, or whatever. That is no excuse. You voted for a man you knew was a bigot, by his words and his deeds. You knew he was endorsed by the KKK and the American Nazi Party and you decided, “That’s ok, because he really isn’t a racist. He just says stuff to be outrageous.” Oh really? Well, the KKK and the Nazis sure took him at his word! And if you voted for him and didn’t see this coming then you WILLFULLY put your head in the sand, ignoring the evidence of his bigotry. You said to yourself, “MY desire for Trump’s economic policies is more important than the lives and safety of Blacks, Latinos, Muslims, and LGBTQI people.” You literally put people’s lives in danger because of your vote, whatever the reason you voted for him.

I am sickened by the hate, by the sheer animal nature of these actions. And I’m sickened that (some) well-meaning people made the expression of this hate possible by voting for Trump. The fact that 80% of white Evangelicals voted for this man turns my stomach! What part of “Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your enemy.” don’t they understand??? I am sick, sad, dismayed, and angry. I’m angry that many white voters put their own agenda ahead of that of the very lives of the marginalized among us. The blood of innocents is being shed, and that blood is on the hands of every single person who voted for Donald Trump. I hope you like what you see. #TrumpsAmerica

Election 2016 - The Aftermath

It’s the day after the election, and my spirit is crushed. As I watched the results last night, first in disbelief but still hoping, then in complete horror, I couldn’t wrap my head around a country that elected a reality TV star who is a bully, a bigot, a xenophobe, a homophobe, an Islamophobe, and a sexual predator to be our next president. A man whose scorecard on Politifact had more lies than all the other candidates combined. A man whose grasp of foreign policy is on par with a 4th grader. A man who is in the pocket of a Russian dictator. A man who doesn’t see why we can’t just nuke our enemies.

I know that a lot of people voted for him because he claims to be pro-life (as in anti-abortion.) That remains to be seen, but regardless of his actions in this area, if you voted for Trump - for whatever reason - you voted in favor of racism, in favor of sexism, in favor of religious hatred. You can’t compartmentalize your support. Your vote elected a man who wants to, at the very minimum, force all Muslim CITIZENS to register with the government, and who may very well round them up and incarcerate them as we did to the Japanese during WWII - or even deport them! Your vote elected a man whose vice president signed a law that would make it a crime for homosexuals to even apply for a marriage license, and who believes homosexuality can be “cured” by electro-shock therapy. You voted for gay and trans kids to once again be bullied and abused and reviled. You voted to enable the KKK and American Nazi party to be legitimized and spurred to action, knowing the government will look away as they burn black churches and beat and kill people of color. You voted to take away the marriages of my gay friends. You voted for people who, on election night, chanted, “We hate Muslims, we hate blacks, we are taking our country back.” You voted for pollution, because Trump wants to enable all pipelines and ALL drilling and mining (including in our National Parks.) You voted to deny medical care to millions of people. You can’t say, “I’m not in favor of those things!” because whether you like it or not, your candidate and his supporters ARE. And you enabled all of it. 

I am so angry right now, that I can’t even comprehend how to move forward. I know that we will have to come together and fight for what is right, and even reach out to Trump supporters to understand what drives them. But right now I can’t. I am so angry at those who voted for Trump, because they have unleashed a monster. Because the GOP also controls Congress, there will be no “checks and balances” on Trump. He can run roughshod over the Constitution and get away with it.

I’m terrified. Terrified for my black friends, my Latino friends, my Muslim friends, my gay friends, my sick and disabled friends. I’m terrified for myself, as a person with disabilities. 

And I’m dismayed. Dismayed that so many people - some of whom I called friends - chose to elect a hateful, bigoted sex predator because he was the “lesser” evil. I have unfriended people on Facebook, finally, because seeing their posts made me sick, knowing that they don’t care about my gay friends, my black friends, my Muslim friends, my Latino friends. This is not a political difference - this is a fundamental moral and ethical divide. How can I call someone a friend who wants to deny the civil rights of my other friends? Because - let me make this clear again - a vote for Trump was a vote for all those things: bigotry, racism, homophobia, Islamophobia. 

As a Christian, I know I should have hope, that I should trust that “God is in control.” But right now I’m struggling even with that. I’m too angry and hurt and dismayed to hope. I fear for our nation and the world. God help us all.

Election 2016

It’s November 7, 2016 - one day before the US elections. And I am fighting tears. My heart breaks for our country, for people so blinded by ideology that they are supporting a self-confessed sexual predator.  This man, who constantly demeans and belittles women, who brags about grabbing them “by the pussy,” who judges women by the size of their breasts, is the presidential candidate for the Republican Party - the party that defines itself as the party of “family values.” But this man not only demeans women, he has cheated on his wives (and bragged about it) and has been married three times.

This man has also publicly mocked a person with disabilities: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX9reO3QnUA

He wants to institute a program requiring all Muslim American citizens to register with the government. Does no one see the parallel with Hitler and the Jews? Or the heinous part of our own past when we rounded up and incarcerated Japanese-American citizens during WWII? Can you imagine the outrage if he had suggested requiring Christians to register? If you think it would be wrong to do that to Christians, then it’s wrong to do so for Muslims - or any other religious group. He wants to require this registration because he thinks all Muslims are terrorists, or at least support terrorism. Does he not know that it was the Muslim community that alerted the FBI to the Pusle Club shooter (whom they decided not to track further)? Does he not know it was a Muslim who led to the capture of the NYC bomber?

He wants to build a wall to keep out Mexicans, whom he describes as rapists and murderers. Does he not know that there are actually more people returning to Mexico than entering the US?

He wants to revoke marriage equality for homosexuals.

He thinks MORE countries should have nuclear weapons.

He doesn’t see why we don’t just use nuclear weapons on our enemies.

He wants to INCREASE the torture of suspected terrorists.

He wants to KILL the innocent families of terrorists.

He mocked the parents of a US soldier who died serving his country.

He is endorsed by the KKK and the American Nazi Party.

He is endorsed by the leaders of the Alt-Right (white supremacist) movement.

He wants to revoke the Constitutionally guaranteed rights of a free press. And his supporters want to lynch reporters.

His supporters regularly use the N-word, and yell “Hang the bitch!” in reference to Hillary Clinton. (Video here and here.)

He has encouraged his supporters to intimidate voters at the polls.

He slyly hinted that his gun-loving supporters should “take care of” Hillary Clinton.

The only world leaders who endorse him are Vladimir Putin, Russia’s dictator, and North Korea’s dictator, Kim Jong-Un. All of the living US presidents (including the Bushes) have come out in favor of Clinton. Many prominent Republican leaders (including Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell) have come out publicly in support of Clinton.

Numerous women have publicly come forward accusing him of sexual assault. In December, he is facing a trial for CHILD RAPE.

I could go on and on and on, with examples of his completely outrageous behavior and words. Not to mention his pathetic lack of self-control, and his ignorance regarding foreign policy. 

Any ONE of the previous items should make any reasonable person disqualify Trump as a presidential candidate. The fact that people are willing to overlook these disturbing and damning FACTS just completely boggles my mind. I truly do not understand how anyone thinks that a presidential candidate who brags about grabbing women by the “pussy” is ok!! NONE of this stuff is OK!! How can you just sweep it all under the rug??

Look, I get that Hillary Clinton is a flawed candidate. She wasn’t my first choice. But in comparing her faults (and Benghazi and emails are not counted against here because SHE HAS BEEN EXONERATED EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE WAS INVESTIGATED) with Trump’s faults, there is no comparison. Trump is a bigoted, homophobic, Islamophobic, misogynistic, xenophobic narcissist. Hilary is just a politician, with the usual baggage. The fact that there is even any debate about the qualifications (or disqualifications) of these candidates is ridiculous!! The KKK and the American Nazi Party??? Really? REALLY? You’re ok with that? You’re ok with that whole list of disqualifications, above? Then I really have no idea how you sleep at night, how you tell yourself you care about people. Seriously, I beg you - take a LONG, HARD look at that list, and look in your heart, and vote against hate. Vote against fear. 

On Grief

Grief is an odd beast. Despite our efforts to tame it, to explain it, to contain it, it shows up when we least expect it and in ways that we can’t predict. I don’t mean that we never know when some grief-causing event will happen - I mean that grief shows up weeks, months, years after some event, surprising us with its black fury.

Everyone is familiar with the “five stages of grief” as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:

1. denial 
2. anger 
3. bargaining 
4. depression 
5. acceptance

and I thought I understood them, too. I’ve gone through these stages when confronted by the loss of loved ones, and - more pertinent to this post - because of the loss of my old life due to chronic illness. I went through these stages 3-4 years into my illness, when I realized I was suffering from depression and needed psychological help. I saw a therapist for a few years, was on antidepressants for a while, and then felt like I’d reached stage 5, and I was good to go for the rest of my life.

But then, 2 years ago, when my illness was still undiagnosed and my condition continued to deteriorate, it became apparent that I was depressed again. So, back to the therapist, back on antidepressants, and back though the grief process. And, once again, I felt I had hit stage 5, and I was good to go.

And then something amazing happened: I received a diagnosis of my “mystery” illness! After over 12 years of searching and seeking, traveling all over the country seeing specialists, I got referred to a doctor here in my hometown who diagnosed me! And he started me on a treatment that is already making a difference in how I feel. This is great news, right? I finally know what I have, and I have a treatment that is improving my condition! Awesome!

But - here’s the weird thing - I’m facing grief all over again. Just like before, I am grieving the life I used to live: a life of sports, of world travel, of a career I loved. A life of health and vitality. And I’m grieving for my future life, because even though I have a diagnosis and treatment, the diagnosis is of a chronic illness, meaning I’ll never be healed (barring a miracle) and I’ll have to be struggling every day to face life as a disabled person. I can’t eat what I want, I can’t do what I want, and this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life.

So, here I am again, in the land of grief. And I finally get it: grief is something you never get over. And those five stages? They don’t happen in order. Heck, I’ve gone through all five in a single day! And then I wake up and have to go through them all over again! Or I’ll get stuck in one stage for a day, or a week, or a month. And I can go from acceptance, back to anger, on to depression and then end up in denial. There’s no rhyme or reason to the stages. And - this is the important thing - there is no end to grief. Grief is now a part of my life, and will be with me until the day I die. It’s a part of me now because my old life is gone, and will always be gone, and I’ll always miss it. Some days that grief is easier to bear, but some days it comes crashing down on me like a black wave and it’s all I can do to make it through the day.

Coming to this realization - that grief never goes away - is actually a good thing. Now I don’t feel like a failure when one of the stages of grief hits me out of the blue; it’s not because I haven’t “completed” the five stages - there is no completion. When you suffer from a truly life-altering event, grief will always be there. But that’s okay - now that I know I’ll never “get over” my grief, I won’t beat myself up when the dark days come. I’ll simply recognize the darkness for what it is, and know that I will make it through to better days. I always have and I always will, because it is God who holds my hand and leads me through the “valley of the shadow of death.” He is the one who comforts me and catches my tears, and reassures me that I’ll make it out of the darkness into the light once again. 

Just like my chronic illness, grief is now a part of me. And, just as I’ve learned to live with my illness, I’m learning to live with grief. It’s just the way it is. And that’s okay.

What if the storm never ends?

One of my long-time favorite Christian songs is “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns. Here is the chorus:

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

(Full lyrics here. Listen here.)

I always liked this song because it reminded me that God is still God and He still loves me, even if I’m going through a hard time. And it also reminded me that storms are temporary, and God will see me through them. But what if the storm isn’t temporary?!?

When I first became ill with a mysterious illness, over 12 years ago, this song spoke to my heart and gave me much encouragement. I continued to praise God, and trust that He would deliver me from the “storm” of my illness. Well, all these years later, not only am I still sick, but I’ve now been diagnosed with a chronic illness, meaning that I’ll never recover (barring a literal miracle.) So, now, my “temporary storm” is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. What do I do now? Where is my hope, if the “storm” will never end?

Well, the message is the same: God is still God, and He still loves me. He is still worthy of praise. God is unchanging. He is the rock on which I stand. Yes, my life is not what I had hoped or planned for, but that doesn’t change the reality of who God is or how much He loves me. The fact that my illness will be with me until I die (barring a miracle ;-) doesn’t change any of this.

The only thing that has changed is how I look at my illness: I can’t think of it as a “temporary storm” anymore. It’s just my life now; it's my new normal. There will be other “storms” that God will see me through. In the meantime, God is with me as I walk out this part of my life, just as He was with me when I was healthy.

We all have things in our lives that we thought were temporary storms, only to find out that they never went away. Maybe it’s a chronic illness, like me. Maybe it’s a loved one who died from an illness, or who has never been delivered from alcoholism or addiction. So what we hoped was temporary became permanent. But it still doesn’t change who God is. He promised that He would never leave us, and He won’t. If the “storm” becomes your life, then accept it as your new normal, and stand firm in the knowledge that God is with you and is holding you and carrying you every step of the way. 

So, even though the “storm” doesn’t end, God is still with us. The “storm” simply becomes our normal “weather” and we keep trusting and praising God. Because God’s promises never change, even if the weather does!

YES!

So, this post is long overdue, but my life has been turned upside down since my last post. Some of you may recall my post of late February, titled “No” (you can read it here.) Basically, it was about the fact that with my illness I’d had nothing but twelve years of “no.” I had seen dozens of doctors all over the country, and had gotten no diagnosis and no help for my symptoms. I had been forced to give up more and more things I loved. And at the point of that post, I had just been denied disability payments, and that was the last straw. I just couldn’t keep going with a positive attitude, and had lost all hope. I ended the blog with a plea for just one teensy-weensy yes.

Well, guess what? I got a GREAT BIG YES the week after writing that blog - I GOT A DIAGNOSIS!!!!!! Can you believe it?!? I still can’t quite believe it myself! And it was a doctor here in town who was able to finally diagnose me - not one of the specialists at Harborview or the Cleveland Clinic. Amazing!!

Here’s how it happened:

My neurologist (the wonderful Dr. David Greeley of Northwest Neurological) had reached the end of his knowledge and what to try. But he still didn’t give up, and referred me to see Dr. Chris Valley, a naturopath who works at Arthritis Northwest. Dr. Greeley hoped that Dr. Valley might be able to bring a “fresh pair of eyes” to my situation, and approach the problem “from a new angle.” I agreed to see Dr. Valley, even though I’d seen a naturopath early on in my illness, and he’d been unable to help me. In fact, the day of my appointment, I almost cancelled, because I was afraid to face another doctor who had nothing but “no” for me. Nevertheless, I went. (Thank God!)

Dr. Valley asked me to tell him about my illness, how it started, how it progressed, etc. He listened intently, and asked a lot of very good questions. At the end of my spiel, he said, “Well, I think I know what you have.” My jaw nearly hit the floor, and I said something like, “You’re kidding! Really? What?!?” He said, “I think you have Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease.” He went on to describe the disease and said it’s actually a new disease definition from the Institute of Medicine - only a couple of years old. The disease is characterized by exertion intolerance (duh) and non-refreshing sleep, both of which I have in spades! He said there is a neurological component as well as a muscle component (in the mitochondria.) He said my description of the onset of my illness was “practically textbook” as to how the disease begins. And he said the muscle shakes that I get when I contract any muscle is often a symptom - and he’s seen other patients with SEID who have the same shakes. (This is the first time ANYONE has been able to recognize what my muscle shakes are, and pin them to a disease.) He also said he had the benefit of 12 years of my medical records, full of tests showing what I didn’t have.

I was just stunned. Simply stunned. I used to imagine what I’d do when I got a diagnosis, and usually pictured myself sobbing hysterically in relief. When it really happened, I just sat there gaping at him for the rest of the appointment! My mind was really having a hard time grasping the reality of a diagnosis. And for weeks afterwards, I’d find myself thinking about what I should try next or where I should go to see more doctors. I would have to stop that train of thought and re-realize that I have a diagnosis and I can stop the endless search for the next attempt at a diagnosis/cure. Even now, almost 2 months later, it seems unreal to finally KNOW what’s wrong! Twelve years of wondering, searching, seeking - and finally I know! I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders! It’s an amazing feeling!

So, that’s the good news - a diagnosis, at last! The bad news is that there is no cure for this. It is a chronic disease. However, there are treatments that can improve my symptoms, and Dr. Valley said he’s “very confident” that he can “significantly” improve my quality of life. He said that because I’ve gone untreated for so long, I have a very severe case of SEID, and he’s doubtful that I’ll ever be able to work again. (Sadness.) BUT, he said that with proper treatment and management of my energy, I should be able to be much more active - that taking a shower won’t always exhaust me, that I will be able to take the dog for a walk and do light housework and maybe even putter around in the yard a bit. In other words, I can progress to the point of a normal ‘sedentary’ individual - which for me would be AWESOME! I’ll probably never be able to ride a bike again (more sadness) or work out in any way (even more sadness) but if I can do normal everyday things without being exhausted, I’ll be thrilled!

I’ve started treatment with a prescription to help the neurological component, and some supplements (normally used by body-builders - LOL) to help the muscular component. And I can already feel a difference - my muscles don’t feel so awful. And I don’t feel so sick all the time. I still can’t do anything more, but at least I feel better. Dr. Valley said that the improvements will be extremely slow and gradual. His rule of thumb is 3 months of recovery time for every year of illness. For the math-challenged, that means that it’s going to take 3 YEARS for me to recover to whatever level of functionality I can achieve. Good thing I know all about being patient, having spent 12 years waiting for a diagnosis!

So, after 12 years of “no” I finally got a “yes.” I finally have hope. I no longer have to fear that I’ll just continue to deteriorate until I’m bedridden. I no longer have to keep struggling to find a doctor or a treatment. I can finally look at the future and see a better life. No, it won’t be the life I had hoped for (I truly planned to be racing bikes into my 70’s) but it will be a better life than I have right now - and that’s HUGE. Thank God for a YES!!