In the Darkness

I just bought a book called Celtic Blessings (compiled by Ray Simpson) and one of the prayers is “for a lonely soul” and it goes like this:

In the stillness
See the wonder of God’s art
In the silence
Feel Christ’s presence
In the sunlight
Watch the Holy Spirit dance
In the darkness
Find faith’s essence
--Jane M. Machickan

That last couplet really hit me – it’s in the darkness that we find the very essence of our faith. We all know it’s easy to believe in a kind and loving God when everything is going well. We feel His love shining down on us, as we bask in a worry-free life. But what happens when things go wrong? What happens when LIFE happens – when bad, tragic and awful things crash into our lives?

I think you can interpret that couplet as a sort of statement of fact about faith: in the darkness you will discover what your faith is really built on. If your faith is built on the premise that God is some sort of magic genie who grants your every wish, or that He will reward you if you are “good” (which implies He will punish you if you’re bad) then when bad things happen you are lost. If that is your faith, then in the darkness you find nothing to really stand on. Your whole view of God goes out the window – how can He give you bad things (or allow bad things to happen) if He loves you? Your very faith, that thing you thought sustained you, falls apart like tissue paper in the rain. You either turn your back on God for not keeping His part of the bargain, or you get angry at God and become bitter and spiteful.

On the other hand, if you believe in a God who loves you unconditionally, if you believe in a God who can create good even out of bad, if you believe in a God who will give you the strength to face anything, then when bad things happen you stand firmly on The Rock. You discover the essence of your faith, and that essence is that God loves you, and that His love for you cannot be shaken, no matter your circumstances. In the darkness, you find Christ – holding your hand, giving you strength, comforting you. You truly find that you are not alone in your walk on this earth. He is there, always. No matter how dark, no matter how bad, He is with you and He will never leave you.

Now, I’m sure that the intent of the prayer is “In the darkness, may you find the unshakable essence of faith, which is that God loves you.” And that is truly my prayer for anyone going through hard times (that is, experiencing life.) But I do think that reading it as a sort of litmus test for faith is also valid. Truly, when tragedy strikes, when hard times come, what is your faith like? You’ll find out.

I Am

A short one. It came to me overnight. I share it in hopes it will be an encouragement to someone.

Oh my darling one, do you know how very much you are loved? You look at what you are facing, what you are going through, and you think it’s too much, you think I have abandoned you. But, oh, my darling, this is where you can truly meet Me! In the midst of your pain, in the midst of your loneliness, I Am here. I Am holding you. I Am catching your tears as they fall. I Am whispering in your ear, “I Am with you, always.” You are not alone. You are not forgotten. Reach out to Me and you will find Me, for I Am here. I will never leave you.

Rest, now, my love – rest in my arms. Lay down your burdens, lay down the struggle. For I Am your strength. I Am your refuge. I Am your shelter. Do not try to carry this burden yourself, you were not made to do so. But let Me carry it for you. My shoulders are broad, my hand it will not falter. Rest in my arms. I will not let you go. For you are my precious child, and I Am here. Always.

Strength

Yesterday was a hard day. I’m still trying to recover, physically, from the week of WorldCon, and also still trying to regain my confidence as a writer. (Certain events transpired to make me doubt that I am a writer, which has shaken me quite a bit.) I had a good session with my mental health counselor (the incomparable Dr. Michelle Estelle of Cornerstone Psychologists) but by the end of the day I was still pretty miserable in body, mind and spirit.

As I was getting into bed, I sighed and thought, “I am tired of being strong – I can’t keep this up.” And then that still, small voice said, “You don’t have to be strong, that’s My job.” And I nearly laughed out loud, with the joy of it all, as I remembered that God is the source of my strength. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” [Phil. 4:13] I felt a huge weight fall from my shoulders. I realized I had been trying to carry my own burden, trying to “be strong” because that’s what I felt I needed to do. But in all of this I forgot the source of my strength.

Truly, I am not strong enough to carry this burden of being disabled, of being so physically weak that I have had to give up much of what I used to love, of being so tired that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. It is just too hard to face this daily struggle – if I do so in my own strength, that is. Remembering that it’s not my strength but God’s, has given my spirit a feeling of freedom – I’m no longer responsible for “being strong” and carrying this burden! It was never mine to carry. I knew this, and lived this before, but somehow over the past few weeks I had forgotten it. I am so thankful for the gentle voice of God reminding me of His truth and His love for me.

So, today, though I’m still exhausted, and still feeling tentative as a writer, I know that I can face it all and get through it all, because I am not relying on my own, terribly fragile, strength. I have the strength of the Creator of the Universe in me! I can do this!!

Why Doesn't God Heal Me?

Why hasn’t God healed me? That is the million dollar question for anyone struggling with a chronic or terminal illness. And I don’t have an answer for that question – one I’ve asked many, many times. But I do have a response, one that took years for me to understand. I want to share my journey and hope that my struggles might help someone else in a similar situation.

Eleven and a half years ago, I was struck down by a mystery illness that has left me in a state where my muscles do not work correctly, causing tremors and crushing muscular fatigue. At the time this hit, I was an extremely fit bike racer, the latest in a string of sports dating back to my earliest childhood. I was ALWAYS doing some sport or physical activity. Since the onset of my illness, however, I have become increasingly weak, forcing me to give up more and more activities, to the point where I had to give up working because it was just too fatiguing to even get showered and dressed.

As soon as I realized this condition wasn’t going away, I began asking God to heal me. I asked friends and family to pray for me. People at my church prayed for me. I went to the Healing Center here in Spokane, and had them pray for me. People are still praying for my healing. But I haven’t been healed, or even sent to a doctor who can help me. And, initially, this made me angry. If God loves me, why does He let me suffer? Doesn’t He know how miserable I am?

Greater theologians than I have tried to tackle the issue of suffering, so I certainly don’t have anything to add to that conversation. But what I have learned is that the question “Why hasn’t God healed me?” is not the question to be asking. Because He is God and His ways are higher than ours, there are things we do not understand. But just because we don’t understand things, that doesn’t change who God is or His love for us. If I believed God loved me before my illness, how does that fact change just because I’m disabled? If before I was sick I believed God was on the throne with Jesus at His right hand, how can my illness change that? If before my illness I believed the Holy Spirit was dwelling inside me, giving me strength and guidance, how does my illness negate that? When I realized that my circumstances do not – and cannot – change who God is and how much He loves me, it was a major milestone in my life. It moved my spirit away from despair and into a place of walking with God, regardless of my physical state.

Once I started to grasp that God is still God and that He still loves me, I started learning to live in what Don Piper in his book 90 Minutes in Heaven calls the “new normal” – I may be physically restricted, but I don’t also have to be spiritually restricted! I was no longer burdened with trying to figure out why God wasn’t healing me, and I stopped trying to convince him to. “If I pray for an hour a day, maybe he will heal me” or “I just need to find the right way to ask for healing” or “I just need to discover what God is trying to teach me through this, and then He’ll heal me” were all ways that I struggled to make God heal me. When I realized that focusing on my lack of healing was really hindering what God wanted to do in my life, here and now, I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders. No, I don’t know why God hasn’t healed me, but that is not going to stop me from moving forward with my life – even a life that is so physically restricted.

Let us never forget that God is in the business of turning dark into light, defeat into victory – so He can certainly take my disability and make something good come of it. Do I still wish He would heal me? Every. Single. Day. But now I focus on Him, and live in expectation for what He will create in me. My disability doesn’t disable God!

No Rules!

Christianity is not like other religions. In fact, it’s completely different. However, many people, including many Christians, think and act as if it were no different from any other rule-based religion. Here is what is so different: there are no rules to achieve the reward of heaven or to earn God’s love. There is nothing that a mortal human can do to earn God’s love or salvation. Heaven – eternal life – is the “reward” for something very simple: believing that Jesus is the Son of God and that His death has made you righteous in God’s eyes. That’s it. Period, end.*

This is the polar opposite of most other religions. Those religions are full of requirements to make sure you are one of the chosen: you have to eat (or avoid) certain foods, you have to pray a certain way or at certain times of the day, you have to do good works, you have to wear (or not wear) certain clothes. Those religions say: if you do enough of these “good” things, then God will love you and let you into heaven. In other words, you have to “earn” your way to eternal life.

Christianity is completely different. You can’t “earn” anything. This is what grace means – we get what we don’t deserve. We cannot ever be “good” enough to earn a place in the kingdom of the most righteous and holy God. It is God’s grace alone that saves us. And once given, there is nothing we can do to have that grace withdrawn. Nothing.

“Well, wait a minute – you mean I can accept Jesus as my savior and keep on sinning and still get to heaven?” Yes, exactly. There are no requirements for entry into heaven except belief. This is why the Gospel is so radical! It is not about what we do, but what God has done through Jesus Christ. You can’t make God love you less, no matter what you do. If you have Christ in you, your actions may change (as you are transformed into His image – 2 Cor. 3:18), but they don’t have to change. Christianity is not about rules, but about belief. And that’s radical!

Other religions are full of “us vs. them” theology – by following the rules a special, chosen group is created and all others are excluded. And human beings love that kind of thinking! You get to feel special, and you get to feel superior to those “other” people who are not pure enough, or holy enough, or righteous enough. But Christianity is fully inclusive: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female.” [Gal. 3:28] And Jesus himself saved his anger for the Pharisees, who had the outward appearance of righteousness (following “the rules”) but inside were dead and rotten. [Matt. 23:27] It was this inclusiveness, and lack of rules, that enraged the Jewish leaders. They were God’s chosen people! They had thousands of rules to prove it! How dare this poor, itinerant preacher (who consorted with SINNERS!) offer salvation to just anyone?

This new way of “achieving” salvation turns rules-based religions upside down. It is not our own efforts that make us worthy – it is God’s grace, and God’s grace alone that does that. But the pure simplicity of this Gospel is so hard for humans to grasp! We want to keep adding rules – rules to keep others out and rules to earn God’s love. It’s just too simple to just believe and be saved. It’s just too inclusive that everyone gets in on this! How can we feel superior to others if even the lowliest low-life gets the same grace as the “pure and righteous” person? I’ve even heard people say, “Then what’s the point of being a Christian?” as if having a relationship with the God of the universe and being able to draw on His power in our lives wasn’t enough! They somehow feel cheated if there aren’t rules!

Sadly, many Christians behave as though the old rules were still in place. However, Jesus himself said there are now only two “rules” we need to follow: love God with all your heart, mind and soul; love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. [Matt. 22:36-40] Jesus also said: “They will know you are my disciples because of your love.” [John 13:35] He didn’t say: “They will know you are my disciples because of what you eat.” Or “how you dress.” Or “the music you listen to.” Or “who you associate with.” Despite this, many Christians still live as though following the rules will earn them something, and, conversely, that not following these rules will earn God’s wrath.

But, again, even if we fail to follow these two “rules” we can still be assured of God’s love and our salvation. Those are the only things we can absolutely be sure of, because we don’t earn them on our own merits – they are gifts from God, and can never be revoked. So stop trying to “earn” God’s love. It has already been given – on the cross. And that can never be undone. And if you feel like you just have to have rules, then the only rule to remember is LOVE.

*Even more radically, some Christians believe that Christ’s death on the cross bought salvation for everyone, regardless of their belief. Talk about inclusiveness!

On Love

Love people you disagree with. Love Caitlyn Jenner. Love Jeb Bush. Love Barack Obama. Love Dylan Storm. You may think Caitlyn Jenner is despicable, and totally deceiving herself, and full of sin. Tough. Love her. Because God does.  Dylan Storm is a racist murderer. Tough. Love him. Because God does.

We don’t get to decide whom we should love – Jesus told us to love our neighbor as ourselves and then went on to show that everyone is our neighbor. [Luke 10:25-37] And then there is the whole “Love your enemies” thing. [Matt. 5:44] So, even if you believe the people you disagree with are your enemies, guess what? You’re supposed to love them, too!

One of the most famous Bible verses is John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” The key thing here is “the world” – God loves the entire world, and that includes everyone. Similarly, in Romans 5:8 it says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ did not die for righteous people, or for people who believe in God – He died for SINNERS. And we are all sinners. [Romans 3:23] So, God loves everyone – including sinners (which is a good thing, since that’s us) – and commands us to love everyone, too.

If God loves these people so much that He sent Christ to die for them, how can we treat them so badly? We call them names; we publicly shame them – is that how we love? By belittling people? Is that the Gospel? I have to admit I am writing this partly because I don’t always remember this. It’s okay to disagree with someone, but do so without disrespecting them – even if you think they don’t deserve respect. Especially if you don’t think they deserve respect. Calling someone names or bullying them isn’t exactly loving them, is it? It’s not a very good reflection of Christ in our lives, is it? Remember that public figures are people – they are someone’s mother, someone’s father, someone’s child. They are God’s children, for heaven’s sake! If you think they are somehow “lost” or “living in sin” isn’t that even more reason to extend the hand of love, and not a slap in the face?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
[1 Cor. 13:4-8]

They will know you are my disciples because of your love. [John 13:35]

Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love. [1 Cor. 13:13]

My Toughest Workout

This is a follow-up to my post of last week (“I’m Still an Athlete – No, Really!”) where I discussed how my life really hasn’t changed, despite my disability – I’m just competing in a new sport called “Living with a Disability” – and  I talked about what my new workouts are. But I forgot the toughest workout, the one I face daily. Before I tell you about it, let me first tell you about what I’d previously thought of as my toughest workout.

Now, anyone who knows anything about running, knows there are lots of grueling workouts: hill repetitions, intervals, stadium stairs, etc. But there was one workout that I did when I was at Flathead Valley Community College that beats all of those. It was called “step-down miles” and it was the toughest workout I ever faced, in any sport. A cross-country race was three miles long, and the coach would use your average mile time to set up this workout. For example, suppose during a race your average time per mile was 6 minutes. Your step-down mile targets would be this: run a mile in 6:30; without stopping, run a second mile in 6 minutes; and again, without stopping, run a third mile in 5:30. This is still your average of 6 minutes, but the goal is to increase your overall average by forcing you to run faster than your average on that last mile. This is brutally hard. You’ve just run two miles at pretty much your usual pace, and now, when you’re most tired, you must run faster than you think and feel you are capable of. It requires reaching down deep inside and denying the pain and pushing through it.

Our coach would post the week’s workouts on Mondays, so we knew when step-downs were coming. On that dreaded day, I’d wake with a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I’d be nervous all day, waiting for the pain that I knew was coming. I’m amazed I learned anything in class on those days! That workout was the ultimate test of mental fortitude. At least I thought it was, until I had the epiphany of my new sport. And I now know that I have a workout that is tougher than step-down miles, and I face that workout every day. That workout is called “Not Giving in to Despair” and it’s even harder than step-down miles.

See, here’s the thing. I wake up every morning tired. No matter how long I sleep, I never wake up feeling refreshed. My muscles are sore and stiff, and it’s a chore just to get out of bed and get dressed. I face a day of trying desperately to conserve energy, and trying to keep myself occupied without doing things that wear me out further. Every day is the same – fatigue and pain. And I just keep getting worse. My condition is deteriorating, and doctors still don’t know what’s wrong. So I look at my future and I see nothing but more of the same: days of pain and fatigue, a life that is reduced to sitting at home in a chair. And it would be SO easy to just give in to the despair, to just give up. “My life sucks. This is not fair. I give up.” It takes all my mental fortitude, all my guts, all my everything to NOT go there.

I have to force myself to look at the good things I still have: a husband who loves me and takes such good care of me, my sister who takes me on wonderful road trips, friends who care about me and help me, the Metropolitan Opera Live in HD broadcasts that I attend with friends, my book club (and reading in general), my writing, and last but not least, GOD. I know that God is with me, helping me walk this road. “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me” [Phil. 4:13] is more than a verse to me – I live it out every day. I have to. If I don’t, then I give up and give into despair.

Now, this is not to say that I never have days where I feel hopeless and sad. There are, most certainly! But when I start feeling that way I have learned to reach out to people who can encourage me and pray for me. And I fight through it. Like little Arya, in The Game of Thrones, who learned a valuable lesson from her fencing instructor: “What do we say when death comes for us? ‘Not today!’” – I say the same thing when despair tries to come for me: Not today!

It's a fight, it's a struggle, but God is with me and He gives me the strength to carry on. If I can do step-down miles, I can do this.