No!

"No."

I’m sick of that word. This battle with my (STILL) undiagnosed illness has been 12 years of “No.” 

• No, you can’t ride your bike.
• No, you can’t lift weights.
• No, you can’t exercise at all.
• No, we don’t know what’s wrong with you.
• No, we can’t do anything to help you.
• No, you can’t eat what you want to anymore.
• No, you can’t volunteer with the International Programming Contest.
• No, you can’t travel.
• No, you can’t work.
• No, you can’t go to church.
• No, you can’t get a good night’s sleep.
• No, you can’t ever feel good.
• No, you can’t get disability payments.

I can’t keep facing this endless list of “No.” I need a yes. One little yes. Something - anything - that can give me a feeling of hope. But I don’t get anything. Nothing, zip, nada, zilch. Just another “No.” Over and over and over. “No.”

Look, I know that God still loves me, I know I have the best husband in the world who loves me and takes awesome care of me, I know I have the good fortune to be covered under his insurance, I know there are many things for which I can be grateful. I get it - really I do. And I’ve spent the last 12 years focusing on those good things, and trying to stay positive and thankful and do all the rose colored glasses things. But I just can’t anymore. I can’t keep it up. My life sucks. I should be in the prime of my life, working at a job I love, traveling all over the world, racing bikes, involved in church, living and loving life!! That was me 12 years ago. It should still be me. And it totally, completely sucks that it isn’t.

So, here I am, sitting in my rocking chair, feeling like crap, just like I do every day. And I just can’t take another “No.” I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I just cannot keep up the positive vibe. It’s too hard!! I’ve been doing it for TWELVE FREAKING years!!! And now I’m at my limit. Something is going to have to happen for me to not just spiral down into total darkness. I need a miracle. I need a “Yes.” Is that too much to ask? That I get one teensy bit of positive news regarding my illness? Because 12 years of “No” is more than anyone should have to face. And I just can’t face another day of it.*

*Don’t worry, I’m not contemplating suicide! It’s my attitude that I can’t keep up any longer, not my physical life.

The Elephant in the Room

Living with a chronic illness, I struggle to not become bitter and despondent about my condition. It would be so easy to think about all the things I’ve lost (job, hobbies, social life) and get angry about the unfairness of it all. And then when I look ahead to a future where I am able to do less and less, I can quite easily give in to despair and hopelessness. I could live in this morass of darkness without any effort at all.

BUT - I don’t let myself go down that path. I don’t want to be a bitter, angry person, going through life complaining about how awful I have it all. Yet, the reality of my situation cannot be ignored. My illness is there, looming over every facet of my life. It is the proverbial elephant in the room. The elephant dominates everything - it gets in the way of me doing the simplest chore, making said chore become a huge physical challenge. It stands in the middle of the room, blocking my way to events and activities, keeping me trapped in my chair. It’s a big, stinky, immovable object, smack dab in the middle of my life!! 

I think we all know people who are struggling with hard things in life, but are so overwhelmed by them that they spend all their time telling you how awful their life is. They are bitter, angry,  unhappy people. I don’t want to be like that. Now, I’m not trying to say that when life throws you a curve-ball you should just plug your ears and sing, “La la la la - I can’t hear you!” When bad things happen, get mad, get angry! You should!! But don’t make your bed there and spend the rest of your life going over and over how bad things are and how unfair life is. You will make yourself miserable, and make those around you miserable, too! Who wants to live like that? Not me!

I do not want my illness to dominate my attitude. Despite the fact of its existence and power, I refuse to let it rule me. I acknowledge its presence and how it has forced me to change my life accordingly. BUT I REFUSE TO LET IT OVERPOWER MY SPIRIT. No, I can’t deny what it is and what it has done to my life, but I’m not going to make it my focus, or allow it to ruin what I have left in life. It is simply a fact of my life, and I need to make peace with it. It’s not that I pretend it’s not there - that would be impossible. I just try to live as best I can, in spite of the elephant in the room.

So, yes, I’m ill and disabled. (Hello, Elephant!) But there is more to me than my physical body, and I choose to live that life to its fullest. Naturally, I have to make accommodations for the elephant in the room (I’ve had to drastically rearrange the furniture of my life!), but I will not let the elephant destroy my happiness. I refuse to let it be the focus of my life! And, really, if you add some lovely draperies to it, an elephant can really spruce up a room! ;-)

On Body and Spirit

Because I’m home all day, I do a lot of thinking. And, of course, I do a lot of thinking about my illness, and my response to it, and what God’s plan is for me through all of this. And recently, I’ve come across an interesting little idea. Let me see if I can explain it. 

Living with a chronic illness means that you are hyper-aware of your physical state at all times: Do I have the energy for a shower today? Can I do a load of laundry today? How sore am I? How tired? Did I do something yesterday to make things worse (or better)? It’s a constant state of checking in with your body and taking stock of its status. Because of this, I sometimes feel very selfish - I’m always focused on my needs and my abilities (or lack thereof). But, as my wonderful mental health counselor (the amazing Michelle Estelle, PhD, of Cornerstone Psychologists) said, “Self care is not selfishness.” She also reminded me that when I was healthy and working out, I also had to take stock of my physical state, so that I could tailor my workouts accordingly. But, still, it is more of a constant thing, living with this illness. Every activity throughout the day is prefaced by the thought, “Do I have the strength to do this?” In short, I’m practically obsessed with the state of my body.

On the other hand, this constant physical focus makes me aware of the spiritual reality that this is not my eternal state. One way that happens is the whole unfairness of the situation. It’s just not right that anyone should be saddled with a chronic, debilitating illness, slogging painfully through every day. This sense of injustice, recognizing the “wrongness” of it, makes me realize that my spirit knows how things should be, that my spirit knows - and yearns for - a place where my body won’t be broken. This, of course, is heaven, where my body will be in perfect health, without pain, without weakness. The injustice here points to the justice there. So, even as I am focused on my physical body here, and am dismayed at its failings, it serves to point my attention to a better place, and helps me look to spiritual things. The physical accentuates the spiritual.

This duality is very much in keeping with how God works. He uses the natural to point to the spiritual. The very model of this is Adam, the broken sinful man, pointing the way to Jesus, the whole and pure man. But there are examples all throughout the Bible: the mustard seed, the lowly manger, David and Goliath, and even the cross. God always uses the natural or the physical to point us toward the spiritual. In my life, my broken body helps me to remember the promise of a whole, healed body. So, even though I tend to focus on the physical state of my body, I can use this to remind myself of God’s promise that I won’t be like this eternally. And this promise reminds me of so many other of His promises, that I lean on daily. 

So, though it may seem I’m obsessed with my physical body, I can flip it upside down, and be focused on God. Instead of a constant reminder of my broken body and the unfairness of it all, my illness is a constant reminder of God’s goodness!*

*DISCLAIMER: Of course, I would definitely love to have a healed body, here and now! But I refuse to let my body’s failings blind me to God’s over-arching promises and goodness. This is the choice I make daily - hourly - in my life. 

The Miracle

There is a song by the Christian group Casting Crowns, called “Praise You in This Storm” and this is the first stanza:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

And the part about wiping our tears away really hit me this morning. I used to view my illness as a “storm” that I had to get through, but the “storm” has now lasted 12 years, so I had to come to terms that my life is now just very different than what it used to be, or what I hoped it would be. But what got me thinking was that even though God hasn’t healed me, he has wiped away my tears! And that’s quite the miracle: that I could go from a life of sports, travel, and activity, to a life in a rocking chair and that I can still say that life is good, and that God is good!

There are many songs and sayings that speak about God’s transforming power:

• He makes beauty from ashes
• Joy comes in the morning
• He turns mourning into dancing

I used to think that for those to be true God would have to heal me. Only then would He make beauty from the ashes of my illness; only then would I have joy; only then would I dance. But I have come to realize that the true transformative power is when we are still in the midst of pain and suffering, yet we have beauty, joy, and dancing.

Think about it. Which is the greater miracle: God healing me so that I go on with the life I had with a single “God did this for me” testimony, or God meeting me here and now – in the middle of my struggle – giving me strength and courage, and a testimony of God’s daily intervention in my life?

Now, to be quite honest, I would have preferred the healing!! J Nevertheless, I do think that He is working a miracle in my life: He has wiped away my tears, and in their place he has given me joy and a victorious spirit, even as I walk this very hard road that I would rather not be on. By not healing me, He is instead using me to show people the truth of His love and care for us. It sounds crazy, I know! But I do really know how much He loves me and cares for me, because I have to depend on Him every minute of every day. He has not ever abandoned me, even when I couldn’t feel Him. He has been with me every step of the way, holding my hand and guiding me – and some days He has flat-out carried me!

This is the miracle: that I can sit here in my rocking chair, too weak to do much of anything, with my former life gone, and all I loved to do taken away by this disease, and I can still say “It is well with my soul!” He has, indeed, wiped away my tears, given me beauty, given me joy, and set my feet to dancing (metaphorically, at least) – and yet I am not healed. It’s a miracle!

On Anti-Islamic Protests

I have been reading about a movement in the U.S., of armed “Christians” demonstrating outside of local mosques, shouting anti-Islamic slogans, and telling the people there to leave the U.S. – people who are U.S. citizens, and have a right guaranteed in the Constitution to practice their religion. There are so many things wrong with this whole situation that it’s hard to know where to start! But I’ll try.

First off, let’s talk about the whole “Christians with guns threatening people” thing. What are the two commandments that Jesus said Christians must follow, to uphold all the law of the Bible? (1) Love God with all your mind, heart and soul; (2) Love your neighbor as yourself. It’s #2 that is key here: as Christians, we are called to love everyone as much as we love ourselves. (A corollary, the Golden Rule, is also key.) And, in case anyone is confused about who their neighbor is, Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan, which emphasizes that everyone is our neighbor. So, these Muslims, who literally live in our neighborhoods, are most definitely our neighbors, and we should be loving them, not threatening them with guns.

Closely related is the very important teaching of Jesus that we are to love our enemies. We are supposed to pray for our enemies, not threaten them or take up arms against them! Even if you have been so brainwashed by Fox “News” that you think all Muslims are your enemy, as a Christian your required response should be to love them and pray for them, not take up guns and threaten them. For a Christian to pick up a gun and confront those he considers his enemy violates one of the primary teachings of Christianity.

Now let’s address another of Christ’s commandments: He tells us we are to “make disciples of all nations.” Tell me, how does threatening someone with a gun and yelling hateful slogans at them lead them to Christ? (I’ll just leave that thought here…)

Furthermore, those who are attending these protests are actually doing exactly what Al Qaeda, ISIS, and the Taliban want them to do! Extremists who use terror in the name of Islam preach to their flocks that America hates Islam and is at war with Muslims. Imagine their joy when they see pictures of Americans doing just that! It is fuel to their fire of hatred. These anti-Islamic protesters are unwitting dupes of “Radical” Islam. If you really want to quench the fires of hatred, then pour out love on Muslims. Don’t give the Taliban/Al Qaeda/ISIS any “proof” that America hates Islam!

And let’s get this one thing clear: the vast majority of Muslims do not hate Christians or America, and are not “at war” with Christianity! The so-called “Muslim” extremists of Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and ISIS do not define Islam any more than the KKK or white supremacists/Nazis define Christianity! To attack all Muslims as anti-American is ignorant and hateful.

So, let me summarize:

1. American Muslims have a Constitutionally guaranteed right to practice their religion here.
2. Christ teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, not take up arms and threaten them.
3. Christ teaches us to love our enemies and pray for them, not take up arms and threaten them.
4. Christ teaches us to make disciples of all nations, not take up arms and threaten them.
5. Terrorists who use Islam preach to their followers that America hates Islam and Muslims. People who stand outside of mosques with guns, shouting anti-Islam slogans, are doing just what the Taliban/ISIS/Al Qaeda want!
6. Terrorist Muslims do not define Islam any more than the KKK/Nazis define Christianity. Most Muslims do not hate Christianity or America. Don’t give them any excuse to change that!

Basically, it comes down to two things: Christ’s teachings are diametrically opposed to the actions of those who take part in these protests; and those who do so are doing exactly what Islamic terrorists want them to do. So, these protesters are NOT Christian, and are actually supporting Islamic terrorists.

Jesus, Bring the Rain?

There is a very popular Christian song called “Bring the Rain” by the group Mercy Me. This is the chorus:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Those last two lines: no. Just no.

First off, God doesn’t “send” bad things into our lives, for any reason. Bad things happen to us because we live in a fallen world, full of fallen people. But God doesn’t send those things to us. They just happen. Asking God to “bring the rain” is heretical, at best, and self-destructive, at worst.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that bad times are God-sent, and so it’s something we can ask for. As someone whose life has had more than its share of “rain” I can say without question: DO NOT PRAY FOR HARD TIMES! Even if “that’s what it takes to praise” God! It sounds so spiritual for someone to say, “I’m so glad I experienced that (cancer, loss of a job, etc) because I’ve learned so much about God and His love!” But, ask the parent who lost a child if they’re glad their child is dead because they’ve gained so much insight into God’s love through coping with it. Ask the husband who lost his wife and the mother of his children to cancer if he is glad his wife is dead, because through her death he learned more about God’s love. The answer would be a resounding “NO!”

It’s certainly true that through hard times we can learn more about ourselves and about God, but you’d be a fool to ask for these difficulties. Certainly, because of learning to cope with my illness, my relationship with God is deeper than it was before I was ill. But, without a doubt, I would still rather be healthy and living my old life than living this one. The life I have now is HARD!!! This life is a battle. Every. Single. Day. I struggle just to get out of bed. I struggle to make it through the day, without wearing myself out. I struggle to keep depression and despair at bay. Do you really want that?  Really?? Maybe I’m not spiritual enough, but I’m NOT glad I’m suffering this undiagnosed illness that has robbed me of my job, my hobbies, my volunteer work, my very health! Yes, I am glad that I have learned wonderful things through this struggle, and I’m eternally grateful to a God who has been able to bring some good out of it, but I am not glad I’m ill and disabled. I’m not glad that this is how my life has ended up. I am not thankful for this illness. I am only thankful for a loving God who has been with me every step of the way, and who daily gives me strength.

Asking for “the rain” to fall in your life is silly and pseudo-spiritual. If you really knew what it was like to face life-altering struggles, you would NEVER ask for them! For me, knowing more of God is not a fair trade-off for my health and all that its loss entails.  Maybe that makes me a poor Christian or not spiritual enough, but I’m just being honest. I would trade my newfound spiritual growth for my old life – in a heartbeat. In my old life, I knew God and His love for me. I walked with God, I served God. Maybe the depth of my knowledge wasn’t as great as it is now, but I certainly lived a spiritual life, even as a healthy person. So why would I want an illness that has taken away so much of my life, just so that I could feel God’s love a bit more? Sorry, but to me it’s just not a fair trade-off.

So, just stop “praying for rain” – it’s just not good theology, and it’s a false spiritual attitude. God doesn’t send you hard times, and those hard times you do end up going through could rob you of your husband/wife, your child, your health. Do you really want to lose those things in your life? No sane person would. And no loving God would send such things into our lives.

In the Darkness

I just bought a book called Celtic Blessings (compiled by Ray Simpson) and one of the prayers is “for a lonely soul” and it goes like this:

In the stillness
See the wonder of God’s art
In the silence
Feel Christ’s presence
In the sunlight
Watch the Holy Spirit dance
In the darkness
Find faith’s essence
--Jane M. Machickan

That last couplet really hit me – it’s in the darkness that we find the very essence of our faith. We all know it’s easy to believe in a kind and loving God when everything is going well. We feel His love shining down on us, as we bask in a worry-free life. But what happens when things go wrong? What happens when LIFE happens – when bad, tragic and awful things crash into our lives?

I think you can interpret that couplet as a sort of statement of fact about faith: in the darkness you will discover what your faith is really built on. If your faith is built on the premise that God is some sort of magic genie who grants your every wish, or that He will reward you if you are “good” (which implies He will punish you if you’re bad) then when bad things happen you are lost. If that is your faith, then in the darkness you find nothing to really stand on. Your whole view of God goes out the window – how can He give you bad things (or allow bad things to happen) if He loves you? Your very faith, that thing you thought sustained you, falls apart like tissue paper in the rain. You either turn your back on God for not keeping His part of the bargain, or you get angry at God and become bitter and spiteful.

On the other hand, if you believe in a God who loves you unconditionally, if you believe in a God who can create good even out of bad, if you believe in a God who will give you the strength to face anything, then when bad things happen you stand firmly on The Rock. You discover the essence of your faith, and that essence is that God loves you, and that His love for you cannot be shaken, no matter your circumstances. In the darkness, you find Christ – holding your hand, giving you strength, comforting you. You truly find that you are not alone in your walk on this earth. He is there, always. No matter how dark, no matter how bad, He is with you and He will never leave you.

Now, I’m sure that the intent of the prayer is “In the darkness, may you find the unshakable essence of faith, which is that God loves you.” And that is truly my prayer for anyone going through hard times (that is, experiencing life.) But I do think that reading it as a sort of litmus test for faith is also valid. Truly, when tragedy strikes, when hard times come, what is your faith like? You’ll find out.