Wednesday, February 10, 2016



I’m sick of that word. This battle with my (STILL) undiagnosed illness has been 12 years of “No.” 
  • No, you can’t ride your bike.
  • No, you can’t lift weights.
  • No, you can’t exercise at all.
  • No, we don’t know what’s wrong with you.
  • No, we can’t do anything to help you.
  • No, you can’t eat what you want to anymore.
  • No, you can’t volunteer with the International Programming Contest.
  • No, you can’t travel.
  • No, you can’t work.
  • No, you can’t go to church.
  • No, you can’t get a good night’s sleep.
  • No, you can’t ever feel good.
  • No, you can’t get disability payments.
I can’t keep facing this endless list of “No.” I need a yes. One little yes. Something - anything - that can give me a feeling of hope. But I don’t get anything. Nothing, zip, nada, zilch. Just another “No.” Over and over and over. “No.”

Look, I know that God still loves me, I know I have the best husband in the world who loves me and takes awesome care of me, I know I have the good fortune to be covered under his insurance, I know there are many things for which I can be grateful. I get it - really I do. And I’ve spent the last 12 years focusing on those good things, and trying to stay positive and thankful and do all the rose colored glasses things. But I just can’t anymore. I can’t keep it up. My life sucks. I should be in the prime of my life, working at a job I love, traveling all over the world, racing bikes, involved in church, living and loving life!! That was me 12 years ago. It should still be me. And it totally, completely sucks that it isn’t.

So, here I am, sitting in my rocking chair, feeling like crap, just like I do every day. And I just can’t take another “No.” I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I just cannot keep up the positive vibe. It’s too hard!! I’ve been doing it for TWELVE FREAKING years!!! And now I’m at my limit. Something is going to have to happen for me to not just spiral down into total darkness. I need a miracle. I need a “Yes.” Is that too much to ask? That I get one teensy bit of positive news regarding my illness? Because 12 years of “No” is more than anyone should have to face. And I just can’t face another day of it.*

*Don’t worry, I’m not contemplating suicide! It’s my attitude that I can’t keep up any longer, not my physical life.