Tired

Tired? Let me tell you about tired. The past fourteen years, tired is the defining trait of my life. I wake up tired, I go through the day tired, I go to bed tired. It doesn't matter how long I sleep, I don't wake up refreshed and rested. It's one of the hallmark traits of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). This is not a "sleepy" tired - this is every muscle in your body feeling like it's just done an IronMan. It's feeling like you weigh 500 pounds, so that even getting dressed is a strenuous workout. It's being so fatigued, that you can't take a shower every day - even using a shower chair - because you just don't have the energy. 

Tired? I don't remember what it feels like to NOT be tired.

[This post is part of the Five Minute Friday link-up.]

Acceptance Doesn't Mean Giving Up

I think one of the hardest things in life is learning to accept things as they are, instead of moaning about them and feeling frustrated because "This shouldn't have happened to me!" And then also learning that acceptance doesn't mean giving up. Let me give you an example from my own life.

All my life, I was an athlete, competing in any sport that I could. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't consider myself an athlete. I competed in all the sports I could find during school and college. After leaving college, I continued to compete in a variety of sports, and working out daily was just part of my life. But then, at age 47, I was struck down by an illness that took all of that away. And by age 56 I was totally disabled and unable to work, and can now barely take care of myself. It was a huge blow to what I had hoped and planned for my life, and it was certainly unfair that it happened! I mean, I was super healthy, ate right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, never did drugs. And yet everything I loved about my life was taken away from me by some stupid disease! All my hopes and dreams were shattered. I was, understandably, quite upset about it all. But through lots of counseling sessions, I came to realize that this new life was my life. I had to learn to adjust to a "new normal" - a life where I have to be so careful with my energy expenditure that I can't shower every day, and I need to limit outings to no more than twice a week. This was my life. It served no purpose for me to keep thinking "But I used to be able to work out 3 hours a day!" Or, "I used to be able to clean the whole house in one go!" Or, "This shouldn't have happened to me!" I had to face facts - I was disabled, and that was now normal for me. I had to accept my new normal. Once I accepted this, I was freed from the comparison game - "But I used to be able to..." and freed from bitterness at the unfairness of it all. I could move forward with life, as best I could, given my new normal.

But - and this is vitally important - accepting my new normal didn't mean I gave up on finding a diagnosis or treatment. It took almost 13 years, but I did finally get a diagnosis, and I am finally on a treatment that is beginning to work. I also didn't give up on finding a purpose for life, and finding joy in life. I just had to pursue these things differently. Instead of finding joy in a great workout, I found joy in a great cup of coffee, or snuggling by the fire, or reading a good book. I found a purpose in becoming a supporter and encourager for others who are facing hard times (hence this blog). I continued to grow spiritually, by reading a wide variety of religious teachers and learning the ways of contemplative prayer. I started meditating, which continues to teach me how to better respond to emotions. In short, I accepted my new life, but I didn't give up on life in general. I decided that since I was going to be sick, I might as well make the best of it. Even if I couldn't get better, I didn't have to get bitter.

So, maybe you're facing health issues, or you have financial problems, or you just feel stuck in a rut. And you think that it's all unfair and you shouldn't be dealing with these problems. And maybe you're right. But you are! The problems are real. And the sooner you accept that the problems exist, and stop comparing your current life with your old one (or with other people's lives), and stop complaining about how unfair it all is, the sooner you can learn to either deal with those problems (if they're fixable) or learn to live despite the problems (if they aren't fixable). Accept reality for what it is, and you're on the road to wholeness.* Accept your new normal, but don't give up on life!


*Note I said "on the road to wholeness" not that everything will be immediately hunky-dory! It takes work to find acceptance and to move forward. But acceptance is the first step.

[This post also appears on my new blog, "Coach Kris"]

Waiting

Waiting. I have become something of a professional in this, for I have been waiting to be healed for almost 14 years now. When I first became ill, in November of 2003, I thought it was just some kind of virus, and I’d be back to full health in a week or two. But the weeks stretched on and on, and soon became months, and then years, and I was still waiting to be well. Appointments with doctor after doctor resulted in nothing. No one knew what was wrong, and still I waited. And even now, after finally getting a diagnosis and beginning a treatment, I am continuing to wait. In fact, after my car accident set me back to my worst levels ever, the healing seems to be even further away. 

So, I wait. 

But what I have learned about waiting, is that it is not a passive thing. Well, it can be passive, where one simply sits and tries to have hope, but that results in discouragement, when there seems to be no progress. If I just sit back and look at my years of illness behind me, and look ahead to more years of illness, the waiting brings no hope. So I have learned to wait in trust. I make the decision to be an active part of the waiting process, not a passive observer. I trust God to be with me during the wait, to be by my side, holding my hand, caring for me and guiding me, even when I don’t see the path. I am working with God in this time of waiting. This kind of waiting is definitely not passive, indeed, it requires much effort, mentally and spiritually. I have to decide, each and every day, whether I believe God and trust God, or I sit back in my own understanding, and despair.

Waiting in trust results in peace and hope. I have peace, because I know God is with me. I have hope, because I know God is guiding me. This kind of waiting is not always easy - some days I feel like I just don’t have the strength to keep going. But when those days come, I fall back to the foundation, which is God. I remind myself that God is love and God is good. Those are truths I know in the deepest part of my being, so I can always fall back to that foundation, and know that the trust will naturally proceed from there. 

Besides, I’m not really a passive type of person. It is not in my nature to just sit back and wait passively! So, each day I decide: today I will trust. And though I still wait, I wait in hope.

This post is part of the synchroblog on waiting, to celebrate the release of Those Who Wait: Finding God in Disappointment, Doubt and Delay by Tanya Marlow – out now. See more here and link up to the synchroblog here.

Stories

Everyone has a story, but in the hustle and bustle of life, we tend to forget that. The woman who just cut you off in traffic? She's a single mom, working two jobs, and she's afraid her oldest boy is experimenting with drugs. She's at the end of her rope, desperate for help, but feels all alone. That checker in the grocery store who didn't greet you with a smile? He's desperately trying to save enough money to go to college, but the boss keeps cutting back his hours. He feels trapped. That little old lady walking sooo slowly across the intersection, making you wait an extra 5 seconds before driving on? Her husband recently died, and she's afraid she can't live by herself any longer, but she still devotes her free time to knitting gloves and hats for the homeless.

If we could see each person's story, then maybe we would realize that we are all connected, and we all share one core story: we are each just trying to do our best in a sometimes cruel and harsh world. So, the next time someone tries your patience, take a step back, look at them as a real person, and realize that they are just like you. Then smile and wish them well. You'll feel better for it, and so will they. And that's no small achievement in this world!

This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday link-up.

Depend

When you are chronically ill, you learn a lot about dependence. Because you can no longer depend on your own body or strength. Before I became ill, I was quite self-sufficient. I was physically strong, and could easily handle tasks that others might have found difficult, such as stacking wood or moving furniture. Now that I am ill, simply getting dressed is tiring!

So, since I can no longer depend on myself, whom do I depend on? Well, pretty much everyone else! First of all, I depend on my husband. He does all the household chores, inside and out. He buys groceries. He picks up my - numerous - prescriptions. He walks the dog. He brings in firewood for me. He pretty much does it all - and, bless him, he never complains! (Yes, I'm married to the perfect man - sorry, ladies!)

I also depend on my friends. Since driving is physically taxing, I depend on friends to take me to all of my medical appointments: physical therapy, massage, mental health counseling, etc. It makes a huge difference when I can get a ride, as it saves me so much energy! I also depend on my friends to pray for me. Their support and encouragement is something I cherish. I really do have great friends!

Of course, mostly, I depend on God. It is God's strength that keeps me going, day after day after day. Being chronically ill is hard, both physically and mentally. But I have learned that God is with me, even on the bad days - especially on the bad days! God carries me through. God holds me. God catches my tears when I cry. God gives me the strength to carry on.

My chronic illness has taught me many things, but one of the most important things is that I know whom I can depend on!


This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday link-up!

Tips for Traveling for a Medical Appointment

When you are chronically ill, traveling can be difficult. But you often need to travel to see specialists. This is an article I wrote for The Mighty, an advocacy site for people with disabilities. I hope it is helpful.

Tips for Traveling for a Medical Appointment

Dear White Christian Evangelical

Dear White Christian Evangelical - let’s talk about something that I know is near and dear to your heart: the pro life movement. I know that many of you feel very strongly about this issue, and I imagine that many of you have even marched in protests for this very issue. So, let’s do a little thought experiment, shall we? Let’s imagine that your church has banded together with many other churches in your city to march in a protest on Pro Life Sunday. 

You get permits from the city to block streets and for permission to march through the streets, as is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution. So, bright and early that Sunday morning, you gather with hundreds of your fellow believers. There are choirs providing music, people carrying pro life signs, and a general feeling of pride that you are standing up for something you believe in. The time comes for the march to begin, and you start walking through the streets, which are typically full of cars this time of day. But the police have blocked off the intersections, and are standing guard to make sure no one interferes with your right to protest. You feel good about that, too, and even smile and thank the police, even though you know some of them might not be pro life. But you don’t worry about that, you just keep marching. 

Then, let’s suppose you turn a corner and see an angry crowd of counter-protesters. One of them walks up to you and says, “Why don’t you like cars? What do you have against people who drive on the streets???” 

You’re a little confused by this, but you reply, “We are marching agains abortion, not cars or drivers.”

The man replies, “No, you’re obviously protesting cars and drivers! Look, you’ve blocked off the streets, preventing people from legally driving there. I pay taxes to support the roads and to allow people to drive! You hate cars and drivers!”

You think to yourself that this man is kind of a loony, but you want to be clear, so you try again: “No, I’m not against cars and drivers! I have a car and I drive. This protest is about abortion!”

The man comes right back at you with “Abortion has nothing to do with blocking the streets and preventing drivers from legally driving on them! You hate cars and drivers! Your protest is against cars and drivers!!”

Now you’re really getting mad. You know why you’re protesting! Everyone in the march knows why they are protesting! It’s about abortion! So you try telling him this one more time, but he still doesn’t listen. “You’re protesting cars and drivers!” he retorts, vehemently.

Realizing you can’t make him understand, you move along, and you all finish your march. But the next day, the news is full of stories about all these people who are protesting cars and drivers. They interview people on the streets, who are all angry that you want to deny them the right to drive on public streets. The story gains national attention, and suddenly the president chimes in, calling you all “Anti-American SOB’s!! Streets are made for cars!!” 

You think, “But, but, we aren’t protesting cars and drivers! It’s about abortion! Can’t they see that? Aren’t they listening?? We know what we are protesting, and it’s not cars and drivers!!”

Ok, end of the thought experiment. Do you get my point, yet? Just in case it is beyond you, let me be perfectly clear - this is exactly the situation with the NFL protests. These players are not against the military or the flag. They have stated that over and over. Many, many veterans and current military have spoken out in support of these protesters’ right to fee speech. And the players have also been perfectly clear as to what the protests are about: police brutality against people of color. Maybe you should believe them, instead of trying to put your words in their mouths. #TakeAKnee #BlackLivesMatter

I Don't Hate Donald Trump

I Don’t Hate Donald Trump

Ever since he announced his candidacy, Donald Trump has been in the news. His horrid statements about grabbing women’s genitals, disparaging remarks about Mexicans, and encouraging his supporters to beat up protesters were all over the news. His actions as president - stripping away environmental protections, deporting mothers and fathers who immigrated illegally but who have been model citizens ever since, removing all statements about climate change from government sites, banning Muslims from certain countries from entering the US, ending the DACA program, etc - are deplorable. His statements about Charlottesville, where he said that there are “very fine” people among the rioting Nazis and KKK members who were marching and beating people up, are beneath contempt. Everything he has said or done in the past 18 months makes me want to punch him in the face.

But…I’m a Christian. One who takes seriously the words of Jesus to “love your neighbor as yourself” and to “love your enemy.” If I truly believe in God, a God of ultimate love, a God who created everyone and loves everyone, then how can I hate Donald Trump? Now, honestly, I do feel hatred toward him. But, because of my beliefs, I don’t want to. I am called to love everyone, without exception. And that includes Donald Trump - and the Nazis and the KKK. How do I not hate someone who is so contemptible?? How can I not hate someone who is doing irreparable harm to the environment and to people?!?

In order to try to not hate him, I’ve had to pray about it. In my prayers, I realized that God loves Donald Trump - just as much as God loves me! Trump is a child of God, no less than I. God is helping me to see Trump as God sees him - as a profoundly broken and hurting human being. If I step back from viewing Trump in his public persona, and look at him as a person, all I can do is pity him. He must be so very unhappy, deep down inside. He must be so very insecure. He is so desperate for attention that it is truly pathetic. He has all this money; he’s had all these beautiful wives (and he has cheated on at least his previous two); he has all these people who tell him every day how smart and great he is (yes, he literally has staff members who collect positive news stories about him and present him with a folder each morning); he’s the freaking president of the United States! He seemingly has everything going for him. Yet it’s clear to anyone who looks at him that he is really nothing more than a scared, insecure, playground bully. It really is -  to quote Donald Trump himself - “Sad!”

Now, I’m not excusing his awful behavior. I’m not denying that his words and actions haven’t hurt people and the environment. I’m just saying that Donald Trump is a broken and hurting human being, and shouldn’t I - as a follower of Christ - feel sorry for him? Shouldn’t I have pity on him? Shouldn’t I love him? And, gradually, God has helped me to not hate Trump. I hate his words, I hate his actions, but I do not hate the person. (At least, when I step back from my knee-jerk reaction to him!) 

Part of what has helped me reach this point of not hating Donald Trump, is the idea that a mature Christian doesn’t see “us vs. them” - a mature Christian realizes that we are all connected, and that if I see “evil” in someone else, I should see my own evil as well. (Jesus taught this when he said that we should remove the plank in our own eye before we judge someone for the speck in theirs.) I know that I am a flawed human being - I am selfish, I am often slothful, I have been known to deeply hurt others with my words. My flaws may be different from Trump’s, but I still have them. If I can see the flaws in myself, and still love myself and still give myself grace, I should be able to do that for another human being, especially since that is was Jesus commanded us to do.

Again, let me reiterate: I am NOT excusing Trump’s words or deeds! I am NOT saying that we should not criticize him in his role as president. As a Christian I am compelled to oppose most of his policies for the harm they do to people and the environment. I will still #resist with all my heart and soul! But I no longer hate Donald Trump, the person. He is a sad, pathetic, little man, who is massively insecure. He is truly pitiful! And God sees this lost little child, and God loves him! And, dear reader, I’m trying to do the same.* 

*In all honesty, I still want to punch him most of the time! But I’m gradually moving beyond that, and with God’s help, I will learn to not just “not hate” Trump, but even learn to love him as God does. I the meantime: #RESIST!!!!!

When the Healing Never Comes

Imagine that you’ve spent your whole life as an athlete, competing in school, in college, and into adulthood. Imagine that for you, sports are an expression of praise and worship, in thanks to the Creator who gave you such a strong, athletic body. Now imagine that at age 45 you are struck down by a mystery illness that leaves you unable to work out - at all. You can’t even take a walk. And eventually, you can’t work anymore, and you have to give up a career that you loved, along with all of your volunteer activities. You can’t even go to church anymore. In fact, you can’t get out of the house except for medical appointments. Imagine how that must shake you to your very core. Welcome to my life.

When I first became ill, I had no inkling that I’d never get better. But as the weeks stretched into months, I started desperately praying to God for healing. Friends prayed for me. Family members prayed for me. People at my church prayed for me. And I was not healed. In fact, doctors didn’t even know what was wrong with me. I needed a miracle, and I didn’t get one. As the months turned into years, and the healing prayers remained unanswered, I had some deep soul searching to do. How could God allow my sports - something that I used for God’s glory - to be taken away from me? Why wouldn’t God heal me, when God is the Great Healer? Who am I if I’m not the physically strong and able person I always was? What was God doing in my life??

After much seeking of God, and many sessions with a Christian psychologist, it finally came down to what I believed about God: did I believe God loved me and that God wanted the best for me? Did I trust God? I had always thought I trusted God, but this - this was life shattering. Could I trust God in this?  I slowly began to realize that yes, I could - I could believe God loved me and I could trust God for my life. So I said, “I trust you, Lord,” and suddenly I felt a weight lift off from my chest, a weight I didn’t even know I was carrying. I felt free - free from having to have the answers, free from having to pray for my healing. If I trusted God, then either the healing would come or it wouldn’t, and either way, I knew that God was with me. I drew on the inspiration from the story in Daniel about the three Israelites who were going to be thrown into the fiery furnace if they didn’t bow down to foreign gods. My paraphrase of their expression of faith was this: “I know that God is well able to heal me, but even if He doesn’t, I will serve the Lord.”

I came to the conclusion that whatever God wanted out of my life, whatever purpose there was, my being healthy was not critical to that purpose. Apparently, God’s plan for using me for the Kingdom didn’t rely on my health or my physical strength. And I discovered that being disabled has some advantages - for one, I have the luxury of time. I have the time to spend in the mornings praying and meditating. I also discovered that God wanted me to write. And while I can’t write for very long periods of time because of my illness, I can write something each day. So I started this blog where I share my insights about what I learned in this difficult journey. And it turns out people are encouraged by what I write. And through the wonders of technology, I am able to encourage people via Facebook. Many times I’ve shared thoughts or quotes and people reply that what I shared was just what they needed to hear that day. So, even though I’m stuck in a rocking chair at home, God can, and does, still use me! 

I could remain angry, bitter, and confused as to why God doesn’t heal me. I could live daily with questions and spiritual unrest. But I choose to trust that God is who He says He is - that He is love and He is trustworthy. I choose to live in faith, trusting God to care for me and to help me each and every day. While I still would love to have a healing miracle, God has given me a different miracle: God has given me peace. And that is truly a gift!

Speak Up, Speak Out, Speak Life

Proverbs 18:21 - the tongue has the power of life and death

Proverbs 31:9 - speak  up and judge fairly, defend the rights of the oppressed

Isaiah 1:17 - learn to do good, seek justice, help the oppressed, defend the cause of orphans fight for the rights of widows

I have been contemplating the importance of speech, lately. Given the political and social climate in the U.S. since even before the election, where hate speech has become rampant, and our own president insults and degrades others, I’ve thought a lot about the power of speech, both good and bad, and what my own speech might look like as a result. 

We all know that words can hurt. And we all know that when the speech of our leaders is degrading, insulting, and even hateful, then those people who have long harbored hateful feeling feel emboldened to speak up, themselves. It is no wonder that every day we see some video posted on social media of some white person shouting to a racial or religious minority to “go back to where you came from!” It’s no wonder that we literally have Nazis marching in our streets, spewing hatred and bile.

So, to fight this, I’ve been speaking up and speaking out. I call out racist or bigoted posts or comments on Facebook. I speak the truth about God’s love for every single person on the planet. (See Proverbs 31:9 and Isiah 1:17) Even further, I am endeavoring to spread love and peace through my daily interactions with strangers - I compliment the checker at the grocery store on her earrings; I tell someone I like their hat or their tattoo. I just try to be nice to people, as a counterbalance to all the anger and hate that is in social discourse right now. It may not seem like much, but if I do believe that the tongue truly has the power of life or death, as it says in Proverbs 18:21.

So speak. Speak up. Speak out. Speak life.

(This post is part of Five Minute Friday.)

Keep Growing!

My wonderful husband makes me coffee each day before he leaves for work (and before I wake up.) So, every morning I have a few minutes to sit and stare out the kitchen window while I wait for the microwave to heat up my coffee. As I look out the window, I see all the trees and brush growing on our mostly wild property. In particular, I see a tree just outside the back fence that I have come to think of as “my” tree, because I see it as symbolizing my life with a chronic illness.

Several years ago, we had a terrible ice storm, which coated all of our trees. The ice was so heavy that the younger, thinner trees bent over with the weight of it. After the ice melted, all the trees gradually returned to their normal upright position over the next few days, with the exception of this one, which has remained bowed over ever since. Somehow, it was so damaged by the ice that it was never able to spring back. For years, I would look at it and think that maybe it would eventually get back to the way it was, but it has never happened. However this year, I noticed something that is absolutely amazing: at the top of the arc, new growth has appeared, reaching straight up! It’s as if the tree has realized it’s never going to unbend, so it better start growing upward in the only way it can - from its new “top!” It’s just getting on with its purpose in life as best it can, which is to grow up toward the sky.

And that’s what got me thinking about the parallel to my own life. Over thirteen years ago I was “bent over” by an illness. Most people would have recovered normally from it, and gone back to “standing upright” (full health.) But I never did. I’ve remained “bent over” (chronically ill) all these years. I was too damaged by the illness to go back to normal. BUT, even though I’m bent over, I’m still growing! I’m growing out from my illness! Just because I’m chronically ill, doesn’t mean my purpose in life is over! I’m still sick, but my life still has meaning. I can still grow. It’s not the growth I would have wanted, but it’s still growth. 

And the alternative can also be seen in this photo: off to the right you can see a tree that snapped off because of the weight of the ice. That could have been “my” tree. It would have been easy for me to just give up on my life and dreams, because of my illness. All of my hopes and plans were dashed. I could have just snapped in two. But I didn’t. I decided that even though I’m bent over, even though I’m not like a “normal” healthy person, I wouldn’t give up. I chose to keep growing, just as “my” tree has!

Maybe life has left you “bent over” too. Maybe you thought that you could never grow again, because of the damage caused. But that tree is living proof that you can keep growing, keep living. I see it every day, and it reminds me the God can create good out of any situation, any life - no matter how broken. If that tree can do it, so can I. And so can you!

The Peace That Passes Understanding

All Christians are familiar with Philippians 4:7 which reads:

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 

That’s the King James translation. Other translations are even more expressive:

• And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [NASB]
• And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [NIV]
• Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. [New Living Translation]

I have always loved the idea behind this verse, even as a little girl. It spoke of the “bigness” of God, and of God’s amazing power - that we could have peace even when it didn’t make sense to. I believe that at various times in my life I experienced that peace. But now, I am living in that peace. 

Allow me to explain.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, or you know me personally, you know that I’m chronically ill, and have been ill for over 13 years, now. Prior to that, I was a hard-core amateur athlete, and I had a rewarding career that I loved. But because of the illness, I had to give all that up. In fact, I had to give up everything - even going to church - because I just didn’t have the energy to do so. As the years passed and I never got better (despite many prayers and many doctor visits), I obviously struggled to find my way in this new life I had. I eventually came to the point where I placed all my trust in God, because I knew that God is good and God is love. I didn’t understand why God didn’t heal me, but I still trusted that God could make something good come out of even something as negative as a chronic illness. It’s been a long journey, with many, many ups and downs, but here I am 13 years later, and I am at peace. And this peace doesn’t seem to be going away! Even on my worst days, there is still this underlying feeling of peace and contentment. 

Now, don’t misunderstand me - I still have days when the unfairness of it all hits me hard, and I feel angry and depressed. But even in the midst of those difficult emotions, I am somehow at peace; I don’t feel consumed by the dark feelings - they’re there, I acknowledge them, I feel them, but they don’t seem to outweigh the peace in the depth of my soul. It’s really quite incomprehensible, if you look at it logically! I mean, seriously, just think: I lost a job I loved (which also meant a loss of over half of our family income), I lost my sports that practically defined who I thought I was as a person, I lost my church, I lost my volunteer activities, I lost almost all of my other hobbies and interests. I have lost SO much! And on top of the loss, I feel terrible, physically. Every single day. No matter how long I sleep, I never wake up refreshed. I feel like I have the flu 24/7/365. And yet I have peace.

It truly does surpass comprehension and understanding!

All I can say is, it’s God. This peace is not of my own making. My natural tendency is to worry and to overthink things. But somehow in the midst of this incredibly difficult life, I have peace. When I gave up my need to control things, when I put my trust fully in God, the peace that passes understanding arrived! And it looks as though it’s here to stay. I certainly hope so!

I've Got This!

It’s now two days from the inauguration as president of the US a man who is a proven liar, a proven sexual predator, a proven misogynist, bigot, and xenophobe. A man who is trying to reduce the freedom of the press and freedom of assembly, not to mention freedom of speech.  A man who was endorsed by the KKK and Nazis, who has appointed a self-avowed white supremacist to his staff. A man whose candidacy and election has torn the fetters off of the dark side of our country,  causing an eruption of hate crimes unprecedented in our history. On top of this, we have a GOP led Congress attempting to repeal the ACA (with no replacement in sight), and with plans to gut the EPA, the Endangered Species Act, and to remove funding from Planned Parenthood (the latter in the name of being “pro life” - completely ignoring the fact that abortions are at an all time low, due to the availability of birth control, which Planned Parenthood provides!) The governmental checks and balances that our founding fathers created are all out of whack, with the GOP in control of Congress, the White House, and due to their refusal to let President Obama to appoint someone to the vacant spot on the Supreme Court, the Supreme Court. And they have demonstrated a complete disregard for the welfare of anyone in this country who is not white and rich. How are we to live in such a country - a country that looks more and more like pre-WWII Germany? How do we do this?

It’s so very easy to look at all of this and fall into despair and hopelessness. I have to admit, I was in that pit for a while after the election. I just didn’t see what I could do to combat all the evil i was seeing in our country. But I have crawled and scratched and pulled myself out of that pit for a variety of reasons. First, I donated money to groups that are fighting for people’s rights (for a list of such organizations see this earlier blog post.) I also made a conscious effort to be aware of all the people and groups that are rising up and taking action, instead of just focusing on the negative. And I prayed, of course.

Through all of this, what I have come to understand about myself is that my whole life has molded me into someone who is made for such a time as this. Let me explain. From a very young age I considered myself an athlete. i got into running track in grade school, and continued throughout junior high, high school and college. I also added cross country and basketball, which meant I was in training throughout the entire school year. And after college, I spent years playing soccer and softball, and then got into bicycle racing. This means that I know how to work hard. I know how to work with others to accomplish a goal. I know how to face adversity and keep trying. I know how to look at something that seems impossible, yet go for it anyway. I know how to fight! I was not the fastest runner on my team in high school, but my coach put me on the anchor leg of the relay because I would never, ever give up! So for the majority of my life, I have had these lessons of perseverance and tenacity ingrained in my very soul.

And then 13 years ago I got sick and became chronically ill. As my life slowly became constricted and lessened due to my physical limitations, I learned to stay positive in the face of this loss. I learned to not give into despair and hopelessness, in spite of living with an illness that has no cure, one that has left me completely disabled and mostly housebound, taking away the things I loved to do. I learned to face a life that I didn’t want, that was unfair, that was so freaking hard! The lessons I learned from a lifetime of athletics translated perfectly to facing a life with a chronic illness.

And, guess what? These are the same traits that I need to live in such a time as this! I know how to fight a seemingly hopeless battle. I know how to not give into hopelessness and despair, despite what life throws at you. I know how to work with others to achieve a goal. I know how to live in a country ruled by Nazi oligarchs! My whole life has prepared me for this!

So, yeah, I’m not giving up. I may not be able to change the country on my own, but if we go down, I’ll go down fighting! On my deathbed, I’ll be able to say I fought the good fight. I ran the race so as to win. I stood up for the oppressed, I spoke for the helpless, I fought for the rights of my brothers and sisters. I know how to do this. I’ve got this!

A Conflicted Advent

Advent and Christmas are my favorite seasons. Growing up, our family observed Advent with a wreath, with candles we lit each night, and prayers and hymns before dinner. We didn’t put up our tree until Christmas Eve, because it wasn’t Christmas yet! It made the actual arrival of Christmas Day even more special. I fondly remember going to the 11:00pm Christmas Eve service at Church, and when the service was over, everyone got to finally say “Merry Christmas!” because it was finally Christmas! 

So, now, as an adult, I keep many of the same traditions. We have an Advent wreath for our dining room table, though we don’t always light the candles, and we don't say any special Advent prayers before dinner. But I use Advent devotionals during my quiet time in the morning, and there is just a kind of warmth in my heart during this time of year. We also don’t put up our tree until the 24th, and we leave it up for the 12 days of Christmas, taking it down on January 6. During the whole month of Advent and the 12 days of Christmas, I love thinking about and meditating on what it means to say, “Emmanuel - God with us!” It’s just the best time of the year for me, what with fond memories, and my own spiritual practices.

But…this year, 2016, it is hard to feel joyful, hard to feel the hope of Emmanuel. In the US, Donald Trump was elected president (despite losing the popular vote by 2.7 million votes) and the fall-out has been an unprecedented rise in hate crimes committed against Jews, Muslims, and people of color - many such crimes being explicitly committed in Trump’s name. Trump’s staff and cabinet picks are full of avowed racists (though they prefer the term “alt-right”) and Islamophobes. His administration is talking about slashing Medicare and Social Security, and gutting the Affordable Care Act. It’s as if all the progress this country made in the last 8 years is going to be undone in 6 months. American Muslims and gays are going to lose their civil rights, and the poor and economically marginalized are going to be thrown to the wolves. And in the face of all this, I’m supposed to sing “Joy to the world”??

Well, yes, exactly. Think about when and where Jesus was born. Israel was an occupied country, ruled over by a puppet of the Roman Empire who was a dictator and a despot. Jews had no rights, and a Roman soldier could demand of them that they carry his load, or that they give him the very coats off their backs. They were taxed without any say in the government. Furthermore, Jesus’ parents were essentially homeless at the time of his birth, having been forced by the occupying government to return to Joseph’s ancestral land in order to be counted in a census. In the midst of this, the angels proclaimed Jesus’ birth, announcing “good news” and “peace on Earth.” Surely the shepherds had to be thinking, “Peace on Earth? Yeah, right!” 

God chose a very dark time and place to send the Messiah and remind us that God is “with us” - that the very presence of God is within us and among us, that God is on our side and not against us. And now, given our political climate, what better time to hope for the coming of one who will bring Light and Life, and a peace that “passes understanding”? And I’m not talking about some kind of second coming, here. And I’m not talking about remembering the physical coming of a baby 2000 years ago. I’m talking about the very real presence of God that is among us, here and now - for we know that wherever two or three are gathered in God’s name, then God is there. (Matt. 18:20) We also know that “whoever loves is born of God and knows God.” (1 John 4:7) The Good News 2000 years ago, that God is with us and therefore we can know hope and peace, is still the Good News today. So, maybe it’s not really a “conflicted” Advent for me, after all. It’s just Advent, as it was 2000 years ago, so it is today: In Jesus, we can know hope, we can know peace, we can know that God is truly with us!

For Such A Time As This

Note: This post is mostly directed at my Christian brothers and sisters. I know that there are those with different beliefs, or no belief at all, who are also called to be kind, compassionate, and loving, but I specifically want to address those of us who call ourselves followers of Jesus Christ.

You who know Christ - awaken! You who follow Jesus of Nazareth - come alive! You have been fed and nurtured over the years. You know the Gospel. You (try to) live the Gospel. You believe God is Love, that God is Light, and the Darkness cannot overwhelm the Light. You have fought many spiritual battles. You have been victorious, and you have failed, yet you still trust God.  You have been bruised and beaten, yet you have not been crushed! You have emerged from your trials wiser and stronger! And now - now that we see hatred and bigotry rising in our country; now that we see the highest office in our land filled by someone who speaks hatred, racism, and lies; now that we see the Darkness rising - now is our time. We were born for such a time as this.

Now is our time to do more good, to do more acts of kindness, to show more compassion, to love more. We know just what to do in dark times: to follow ever more closely the example given to us in the words and life of Jesus. To love the outcast, to love the poor, to have compassion on the downtrodden, to preach the Good News that everyone - everyone - is loved by God and is worthy of our love and concern. 

We know that in Christ there is “no Jew, no Gentile, no male, no female.” That means there is no “other” - no Muslim, no immigrant, no refugee, no gay, no straight, no American, no black, no white. There is only - only - children of God. There is not even an enemy, despite what politicians might tell you. For in Christ, we are called to love our enemies, which thereby imbues them with that very same Love that God has given us, and which no longer makes them our enemies, but our brothers and sisters.

We know all this because we have been recipients of this love all our lives. We know this because it has been imparted into our very souls by the Holy Spirit. We have been led to this time, here and now. We have been fed, taught, and nurtured this through all our years (be they many or few) and now we have the strength and power to act in this Love. For such a time as this.

It is easy to see the darkness all around us and give in to despair and hopelessness. But God is a god of hope! God’s very nature is one of love and rebirth. If we say we believe in God and that we follow Jesus, then we must hope, we must love. And we are empowered to do so by the Holy Spirit, breathing life and love and hope into our hearts and minds, so that we can share that love and hope with others. It is not our strength, but God’s. 

It is not easy to stand against the Darkness with your one feeble little candle. But that candle has the power to dispel the Darkness, and to give hope to those whose candles have gone out. If others see your candle, they are encouraged to let their own light shine. First there is one candle, then two, then three, then four, five, ten, twenty, a hundred, a thousand! And the Darkness cannot stand against that Light.

So let your light shine! Love extravagantly, as you have been loved! Give extravagantly, as you have been given to! For surely, you were born for such a time as this.

***If you are looking for organizations to donate to or volunteer with, see my previous post.

What Do We Do Now?

These are dark times in the USA. Donald Trump has been elected president, despite the fact that Hilary Clinton garnered over 2 million more votes (thanks Electoral College!) In the wake of his election, hate crimes - most explicitly done in his name - have skyrocketed. They are occurring everywhere, even here in Spokane, where I live. Trump has appointed a man, Steve Bannon, whose media empire is the “voice of the alt-right” (his own words) and his nominee for Attorney General was once deemed “too racist” to serve as a judge. Muslims, people of color, the LGBTQI community, all are living in fear for their safety, their civil rights, their very lives. Trump has hinted to the journalism community that he wants to be portrayed positively, and for them to not report on the negative side of his presidency. This is how fascism begins. I truly fear for my country, for my neighbors, for my friends, for the world. 

In light of all this, what is a person to do? It’s easy to look at it all and feel overwhelmed by the darkness. But we are not helpless. We are not alone. There are millions of people who oppose Trump and his racist, bigoted ways. We can definitely make a difference, and it can be quite simple.

First of all, do not remain silent in the face of hate crimes. This kind of stuff cannot ever be considered normal for our society. Prior to Trump, these people hid under the bushes, rightly ashamed of their thoughts and actions. For them, they see his election as giving them the stamp of approval and empowering them to act on their heinous views. We must always - ALWAYS - speak out against such acts. Silence implies consent. Speak out!

We must oppose any government attempt to restrict or diminish the civil rights of our fellow citizens. Registering Muslims, deporting or rounding them up must be vigorously opposed at every step. We cannot make the same mistake we did during WWII, when millions of Japanese Americans lost their homes and businesses as they were arrested and incarcerated in internment camps. The government will try to couch these actions in patriotic terms: “For the good of the nation” or “For our national security.” But these are just attempts to sweeten what is a heinous and very un-American act. We cannot fall for such lies.

We must oppose any government attempt to deny entry to any immigrant based solely on their religion. The Syrian refugees are fleeing a hell-hole of a war zone. They are not Islamic terrorists. The US already has one of the strictest vetting policy for immigrants. It has kept us safe so far, and will continue to do so. But America was built on the very idea of opening her arms to refugees and immigrants. Our Statue of Liberty proclaims this in no uncertain terms, and our history shows this to be true. Unless you are a member of a Native American tribe, you are here because your ancestors immigrated to this country, perhaps by force, but they immigrated here, nonetheless. All that we have accomplished as a nation was accomplished by immigrants and refugees. To close our borders is to deny who we are as a nation - to deny the very principles upon which this nation was founded.

Most importantly, we must act to counter the tenor of hate and fear that has been unleashed and fed by Trump’s campaign and election. It is so easy to see the hatred in other people and to react with more hatred and revulsion. But as Martin Luther King, Jr famously said, “Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” And Jesus Christ taught us to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek. So, if we are to conquer the hatred we must respond only with love. We must seek to understand why someone is acting out in hate. Most often, their hatred is based on some kind of fear, and that fear is almost always unfounded, though they don’t see it that way. But if we can understand the fear that is driving the hate, we can see them as our brothers and sisters, and not the enemy. For as surely as we think of them as “them”, as something “other”, then we will have failed to respond in love.

I want to live in such a way that peace and love are not just motivating factors, but are the bedrock, the foundation of who I am as a person. I want to live a life full of grace - grace received by God, grace given unto myself, and grace given to those I meet. I want my life to be a mirror to the mystery of the relationship of the Trinity, played out in my relationship with other humans. The three “persons” of the Trinity are in an eternal dance of interdependence. When I can live in such a way that I know and feel my interconnectedness with everyone else, then there is no “other” - there is only “us.” In this way, I recognize the brokenness of those who are currently expressing hatred and bigotry, and therefore do not seek to overpower them, but to come alongside them, and help them find their interconnectedness to others. When we truly understand that we are all connected, and that what hurts you also hurts me, then we act in such a way to ensure that all people are valuable, all people are worthy, all people deserve our protection and our love.

How do we do this in every day life? For me, it is the daily interactions with people I meet - the clerks in the grocery store, the people at the post office, those that I am in line with somewhere. In the past, as an introvert, i would pretty much ignore these people. The interactions with clerks never involved eye contact, never involved conversation other than the most minimal required by social convention. Now, as hard as it is for me because it is not my natural tendency, I look these people in the eye. I respond enthusiastically with any greeting. I look for something to compliment them on - their hair, their jewelry, a tattoo - some way to make a human connection, and to make them feel good about themselves. I could be the one who gives them a compliment all day long. I’m not doing anything “phony” - this is actually being quite real, acknowledging our interconnectedness and our interdependence. It doesn’t get more real than connecting with another human being. 

And it doesn’t have to stop there, with simple conversation. Pay for the order in the car behind you next time you go through the drive-through for coffee or fast food. Pay for someone’s dinner at a restaurant. Buy a take-out lunch and give it to that pan-handler on the street corner. Or buy them a cup of coffee on a cold day. Give them a pair of socks, or gloves. I guarantee that those small things will completely change the day for that person - and change your day, too. When we give to others, we also receive something - we receive a changed heart, a heart that is not so alone and isolated. We rediscover our interconnectedness. This is the very core of what it means to live fully human, fully aware.

Each small act of love - for that is what this is - acts as a counter to the violence and hatred in the world. Imagine the change in our country if every one of us went out of our way to put a smile on a stranger’s face. If only HALF of us did this, it would be amazing! These are small things that can have a great impact. Not only does the recipient feel blessed, not only do you feel better, but you feel less helpless in the face of the hatred and violence sweeping our country. This is something tangible you can do to counter all the negativity.

But you don’t have to stop there, either! You can make a donation to the organizations that are standing against racism and bigotry, such as the ACLU and the Southern Poverty Law Center. You could donate to a local homeless shelter, or the YWCA. You could donate to a myriad of programs supporting the current protests and Standing Rock. You could sponsor a child with Compassion International. You could donate to your local center for LGBTQI youth. You could donate to World Relief or other organizations helping refugees and immigrants.

And, then, if you really want to go all out in “being the change you want to see in the world,” you can volunteer. Volunteer at your local school or library or community center. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Volunteer at the YWCA, or a woman’s shelter, or a food bank. Volunteer with an organization that helps refugees. I would particularly like to encourage you to volunteer somewhere out of your comfort zone. Volunteer with a group that helps people with whom you normally have no contact. Expose yourself to people of different economic strata, or of a different culture or background. The more we can see that all people are the same underneath, the less likely we will be to fear or hate them.

To help you find an organization to donate to or volunteer with, here are a couple of lists.

For people who live in or near Spokane, WA:

• The Odyssey Youth Movement - for LGBTQI teens
• Global Neighborhood - helping refugees
• The Peace and Justice Action League of Spokane
• The Jonah Project - for homeless youth (disclaimer: this started in my church)
• The Union Gospel Mission 
• Cup of Cool Water - another organization for homeless youth
• World Relief of Spokane - helping refugees
• Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery - providing a safe place for endangered children

National/International organizations and charities:

• Compassion International - Christian child sponsorship program
• ACLU
• Southern Poverty Law Center - works to combat racism and hate crimes
• Kiva - a micro-loan organization that helps people in developing countries start businesses
• Doctors Without Borders
• Freedom From Religion Foundation - works to keep the separation of church and state
• Global Giving - global crowdfunding community that connects nonprofits, donors, and companies
• Heifer International - provides livestock and training for people in developing countries
• Mercy Corps
• Partners in Health
• Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
• Camfed - helps marginalized girls go to school
• Operation Underground Railroad - fights child trafficking 
• Amnesty International - global human rights organization
• Wounded Warrior Project - for US veterans
• Anti-Defamation League - fighting anti-Semitism and hate crimes

If each of us donated just $25 dollars to a couple of these organizations, think of the positive results! If only one in ten of us volunteered somewhere, think of the impact! And if we ALL were simply to be kind to others, to go out of our way to brighten someone’s day, just think how our communities would change! This is what will make America great again - an America that cares about every single person. Won’t you join me?

Stranger in a Strange Land

I feel like a stranger in my own country. Racist and misogynistic hate crimes are proliferating throughout the US, in the wake of Donald Trump’s election to President. The KKK and American Nazi party are celebrating, because they feel that they now have a friend in the White House. And Trump just appointed a white supremacist to be his chief of staff, so they are probably right. Not only that, but his other appointees are calling for a new House Un-American Activities Committee, just as during the McCarthy era, and Trump has declared that he plans to “round up” all undocumented immigrants and incarcerate them, and he plans to force all Muslims to register with the government, both of which sound suspiciously like what Hitler did to the Jews. It was for the “good of the nation” Hitler told his citizens, just as Trump is telling us.

How can this be happening? Did no one pay attention during history class in high school? I feel like the British must have felt during the Nazi bombings - under siege in my own country. But it’s not some external enemy that is attacking us, but it is our own government. The GOP now control both the White House and Congress, and their plans are going to set our country back by decades: rescind the Affordable Care Act, dismantle or severely cripple Social Security and Medicare, remove environmental protections and limits on drilling and mining, stop investing in alternative/sustainable energy sources, remove civil rights from the LGBTQI community, etc. Just as we were on the brink of becoming a better nation, with guaranteed health benefits like the rest of the civilized world and civil rights for all, we are now faced with at least 4 years of destruction.

And I feel so helpless. My gay friends are in fear of losing their marriages, and in fear of their very lives. My female Muslim friends are afraid to wear the hijab in public, and also fear for their lives and the lives of their children. My Black friends are also in fear for their lives. I am in fear of losing my Social Security Disability benefits, as are other disabled people I know. Other friends are now going to be unable to retire, because they will need to keep working in order to afford health care. How does any of this make America “great” again??

I used to believe that the majority of Americans were good, decent people, and that there were just a few “crazies” out there who hated minorities. I now fear that the “crazies” are in the majority. At the very least, the good and decent people who voted for Trump were willing to excuse his racism and bigotry in favor of his economic plans or his (supposed) pro-life stance. They basically looked at a bigot and said, “Well, that’s ok - he’s going to fix the economy.” And that may even be worse than the overt racism of the KKK. This is a racism that says economic plans are of more importance than human rights. And that is truly terrifying, because now these people will go along with whatever Trump does, because they’ve already decided they can ignore his racism and bigotry. So they will keep on ignoring it. Meanwhile, Trump is leading our country down the very same path that Hitler did in pre-war Germany.

No, I no longer recognize my America. And I no longer feel safe in this new America.

The Silence is Deafening

It is now the Sunday following the election of Donald Trump to the US presidency. There are continued reports of wave after wave of hate crimes being committed, all over the country - explicitly being committed in Trump’s name. (See my earlier post for a short list.) Since the KKK and the American Nazi Party, as well as many other white supremacist/alt-right groups, endorsed and supported Trump for president, can anyone be surprised? Many well-meaning people said of Trump’s bigoted speech during his campaign, “He doesn’t really mean that. He’s not really a bigot.” Well, these hate groups certainly took him at his word, and now feel free to act out their hatred. Yes, their hatred existed before Trump was elected, but now they feel empowered to act on that hate. And Trump and his supporters are silent in the face of these hate crimes.

To all those people who said, “I’m not a racist, I’m voting for Trump because of his economic plans” or “I’m not a racist, I’m voting for Trump because he’s pro-life” - why are you not outraged at the hatred being perpetrated in your candidate’s name? If you’re not really racist, why are you silently sitting by while gay/trans people, Jews, Muslims, Blacks, and Latinos are being attacked - in Trump’s name? Why are you not speaking out? Why are you not holding your candidate to his and your (supposedly) non-racist beliefs?

Dr. James Dobson - during the campaign, you claimed that Trump’s heart is “soft toward the Lord” and that Trump was “God’s man” to lead our country. Is this silence in the face of hatred indicative of a man who serves Jesus Christ? Wouldn’t a Christian be appalled that people are committing acts of hatred and violence in his name, and speak out to stop it? Wouldn’t a real leader speak out? And you, Mr. Dobson, why are you silent? You claim to serve Jesus. Why are you not, at the very least, advising Mr. Trump to speak out against this hatred? More importantly, why are YOU not speaking out against this hatred? 

And, Mr. Franklin Graham, I am asking the same things of you.

Because not one of these people - Trump, Dobson, Graham, his “non-racist” supporters - is saying anything about these hate crimes, I can only come to one conclusion: they are ok with what is happening.  Oh, they may not BE racist (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) but they’re ok with swastikas and Trump’s name being spray-painted on Jewish homes and businesses. They’re ok with Muslim women getting their hijab torn off. They’re ok with LGBTQI people getting beat up and their homes and cars vandalized. Their ok with men grabbing women’s crotches in public  and yelling, “You can’t do anything to me, b*tch! TRUMP!! TRUMP!!” 

No, I’m hearing nothing but silence. And that silence speaks volumes. 

Trump's America

It is Thursday, November 10, 2016 - two days after the US election, which Donald Trump won (though not by popular vote.) In that time, the number of hate crimes has exploded across the country:

• http://www.phillymag.com/news/2016/11/09/nazi-trump-graffiti-south-philadelphia/
• http://fusion.net/story/368783/donald-trump-racist-incidents-attacks/
• https://www.facebook.com/amaya30/posts/10100301808894796
• https://www.facebook.com/vincent.verhei/posts/10155396052518496
• http://gothamist.com/2016/11/10/trump_graffiti_nyu_prayer_room.php
• http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/crime/2016/11/07/cookeville-transgender-womans-truck-painted-trump-lit-fire/93452240/
• And in an incident that happened in my hometown of Spokane, WA (which has not been reported to the authorities) the grade school aged black daughter of a friend of mine was accosted in school by a white boy who said, “Now that Trump is president, you’re going to die!”

I could list dozens and dozens of more stories - Muslim women getting their hijab torn off, patrons at a gay bar being told “Your days are numbered, f*ggots!” White high school students in Philadelphia holding a Trump poster and yelling “White power! N*ggers go back to Africa” and on and on and on.

Now, the people perpetrating these crimes existed before Trump was elected. The hate in their hearts was there. But they knew that hate was wrong, or at least looked down on by the rest of society, so they didn’t act on that hate. But today, with Trump elected president, they feel emboldened, empowered to act on that hate. Why? Because the highest office in the land is about to be filled by a bigot. By a man who refused to denounce the KKK when they endorsed him. A man who literally encouraged people at his rallies to beat black protesters. His election has legitimized their hate and spurred them to act on that hate, because they feel that now “their time has come.”

And I am laying the blame at the feet of every person who voted for Donald Trump. Even if that person says they’re not racist, says they're not bigoted, that they only voted for him because of pro-life, or his economic policies, or whatever. That is no excuse. You voted for a man you knew was a bigot, by his words and his deeds. You knew he was endorsed by the KKK and the American Nazi Party and you decided, “That’s ok, because he really isn’t a racist. He just says stuff to be outrageous.” Oh really? Well, the KKK and the Nazis sure took him at his word! And if you voted for him and didn’t see this coming then you WILLFULLY put your head in the sand, ignoring the evidence of his bigotry. You said to yourself, “MY desire for Trump’s economic policies is more important than the lives and safety of Blacks, Latinos, Muslims, and LGBTQI people.” You literally put people’s lives in danger because of your vote, whatever the reason you voted for him.

I am sickened by the hate, by the sheer animal nature of these actions. And I’m sickened that (some) well-meaning people made the expression of this hate possible by voting for Trump. The fact that 80% of white Evangelicals voted for this man turns my stomach! What part of “Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your enemy.” don’t they understand??? I am sick, sad, dismayed, and angry. I’m angry that many white voters put their own agenda ahead of that of the very lives of the marginalized among us. The blood of innocents is being shed, and that blood is on the hands of every single person who voted for Donald Trump. I hope you like what you see. #TrumpsAmerica

Election 2016 - The Aftermath

It’s the day after the election, and my spirit is crushed. As I watched the results last night, first in disbelief but still hoping, then in complete horror, I couldn’t wrap my head around a country that elected a reality TV star who is a bully, a bigot, a xenophobe, a homophobe, an Islamophobe, and a sexual predator to be our next president. A man whose scorecard on Politifact had more lies than all the other candidates combined. A man whose grasp of foreign policy is on par with a 4th grader. A man who is in the pocket of a Russian dictator. A man who doesn’t see why we can’t just nuke our enemies.

I know that a lot of people voted for him because he claims to be pro-life (as in anti-abortion.) That remains to be seen, but regardless of his actions in this area, if you voted for Trump - for whatever reason - you voted in favor of racism, in favor of sexism, in favor of religious hatred. You can’t compartmentalize your support. Your vote elected a man who wants to, at the very minimum, force all Muslim CITIZENS to register with the government, and who may very well round them up and incarcerate them as we did to the Japanese during WWII - or even deport them! Your vote elected a man whose vice president signed a law that would make it a crime for homosexuals to even apply for a marriage license, and who believes homosexuality can be “cured” by electro-shock therapy. You voted for gay and trans kids to once again be bullied and abused and reviled. You voted to enable the KKK and American Nazi party to be legitimized and spurred to action, knowing the government will look away as they burn black churches and beat and kill people of color. You voted to take away the marriages of my gay friends. You voted for people who, on election night, chanted, “We hate Muslims, we hate blacks, we are taking our country back.” You voted for pollution, because Trump wants to enable all pipelines and ALL drilling and mining (including in our National Parks.) You voted to deny medical care to millions of people. You can’t say, “I’m not in favor of those things!” because whether you like it or not, your candidate and his supporters ARE. And you enabled all of it. 

I am so angry right now, that I can’t even comprehend how to move forward. I know that we will have to come together and fight for what is right, and even reach out to Trump supporters to understand what drives them. But right now I can’t. I am so angry at those who voted for Trump, because they have unleashed a monster. Because the GOP also controls Congress, there will be no “checks and balances” on Trump. He can run roughshod over the Constitution and get away with it.

I’m terrified. Terrified for my black friends, my Latino friends, my Muslim friends, my gay friends, my sick and disabled friends. I’m terrified for myself, as a person with disabilities. 

And I’m dismayed. Dismayed that so many people - some of whom I called friends - chose to elect a hateful, bigoted sex predator because he was the “lesser” evil. I have unfriended people on Facebook, finally, because seeing their posts made me sick, knowing that they don’t care about my gay friends, my black friends, my Muslim friends, my Latino friends. This is not a political difference - this is a fundamental moral and ethical divide. How can I call someone a friend who wants to deny the civil rights of my other friends? Because - let me make this clear again - a vote for Trump was a vote for all those things: bigotry, racism, homophobia, Islamophobia. 

As a Christian, I know I should have hope, that I should trust that “God is in control.” But right now I’m struggling even with that. I’m too angry and hurt and dismayed to hope. I fear for our nation and the world. God help us all.