This is a follow-up to my post of last week (“I’m
Still an Athlete – No, Really!”) where I discussed how my life really hasn’t
changed, despite my disability – I’m just competing in a new sport called “Living
with a Disability” – and I talked about what my new workouts are. But I forgot
the toughest workout, the one I face daily. Before I tell you about it, let me
first tell you about what I’d previously thought of as my toughest workout.
Now, anyone who knows anything about running, knows there
are lots of grueling workouts: hill repetitions, intervals, stadium stairs, etc.
But there was one workout that I did when I was at Flathead Valley Community
College that beats all of those. It was called “step-down miles” and it was the
toughest workout I ever faced, in any sport. A cross-country race was three
miles long, and the coach would use your average mile time to set up this
workout. For example, suppose during a race your average time per mile was 6
minutes. Your step-down mile targets would be this: run a mile in 6:30; without
stopping, run a second mile in 6 minutes; and again, without stopping, run a
third mile in 5:30. This is still your average of 6 minutes, but the goal is to
increase your overall average by forcing you to run faster than your average on
that last mile. This is brutally
hard. You’ve just run two miles at pretty much your usual pace, and now, when
you’re most tired, you must run faster than you think and feel you are capable
of. It requires reaching down deep inside and denying the pain and pushing through it.
Our coach would post the week’s workouts on Mondays, so we
knew when step-downs were coming. On that dreaded day, I’d wake with a sinking
feeling in my stomach, and I’d be nervous all day, waiting for the pain that I
knew was coming. I’m amazed I learned anything in class on those days! That
workout was the ultimate test of mental fortitude. At least I thought it was,
until I had the epiphany of my new sport. And I now know that I have a workout
that is tougher than step-down miles, and I face that workout every day. That
workout is called “Not Giving in to Despair” and it’s even harder than
step-down miles.
See, here’s the thing. I wake up every morning tired. No
matter how long I sleep, I never wake up feeling refreshed. My muscles are sore
and stiff, and it’s a chore just to get out of bed and get dressed. I face a
day of trying desperately to conserve energy, and trying to keep myself
occupied without doing things that wear me out further. Every day is the same –
fatigue and pain. And I just keep getting worse. My condition is deteriorating,
and doctors still don’t know what’s wrong. So I look at my future and I see
nothing but more of the same: days of pain and fatigue, a life that is reduced
to sitting at home in a chair. And it would be SO easy to just give in to the
despair, to just give up. “My life sucks. This is not fair. I give up.” It
takes all my mental fortitude, all my guts, all my everything to NOT go there.
I have to force myself to look at the good things I still
have: a husband who loves me and takes such good care of me, my sister who
takes me on wonderful road trips, friends who care about me and help me, the
Metropolitan Opera Live in HD broadcasts that I attend with friends, my book
club (and reading in general), my writing, and last but not least, GOD. I know
that God is with me, helping me walk this road. “I can do all things in Christ
who strengthens me” [Phil. 4:13] is more than a verse to me – I live it out
every day. I have to. If I don’t, then I give up and give into despair.
Now, this is not to say that I never have days where I feel
hopeless and sad. There are, most certainly! But when I start feeling that way
I have learned to reach out to people who can encourage me and pray for me. And
I fight through it. Like little Arya, in The Game of Thrones, who learned a
valuable lesson from her fencing instructor: “What do we say when death comes
for us? ‘Not today!’” – I say the same thing when despair tries to come for me:
Not today!
It's a fight, it's a struggle, but God is with me and He gives me the strength to carry on. If I can do step-down miles, I can do this.
