Wednesday, September 2, 2015


Yesterday was a hard day. I’m still trying to recover, physically, from the week of WorldCon, and also still trying to regain my confidence as a writer. (Certain events transpired to make me doubt that I am a writer, which has shaken me quite a bit.) I had a good session with my mental health counselor (the incomparable Dr. Michelle Estelle of Cornerstone Psychologists) but by the end of the day I was still pretty miserable in body, mind and spirit.

As I was getting into bed, I sighed and thought, “I am tired of being strong – I can’t keep this up.” And then that still, small voice said, “You don’t have to be strong, that’s My job.” And I nearly laughed out loud, with the joy of it all, as I remembered that God is the source of my strength. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” [Phil. 4:13] I felt a huge weight fall from my shoulders. I realized I had been trying to carry my own burden, trying to “be strong” because that’s what I felt I needed to do. But in all of this I forgot the source of my strength.

Truly, I am not strong enough to carry this burden of being disabled, of being so physically weak that I have had to give up much of what I used to love, of being so tired that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. It is just too hard to face this daily struggle – if I do so in my own strength, that is. Remembering that it’s not my strength but God’s, has given my spirit a feeling of freedom – I’m no longer responsible for “being strong” and carrying this burden! It was never mine to carry. I knew this, and lived this before, but somehow over the past few weeks I had forgotten it. I am so thankful for the gentle voice of God reminding me of His truth and His love for me.

So, today, though I’m still exhausted, and still feeling tentative as a writer, I know that I can face it all and get through it all, because I am not relying on my own, terribly fragile, strength. I have the strength of the Creator of the Universe in me! I can do this!!