The Miracle

There is a song by the Christian group Casting Crowns, called “Praise You in This Storm” and this is the first stanza:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

And the part about wiping our tears away really hit me this morning. I used to view my illness as a “storm” that I had to get through, but the “storm” has now lasted 12 years, so I had to come to terms that my life is now just very different than what it used to be, or what I hoped it would be. But what got me thinking was that even though God hasn’t healed me, he has wiped away my tears! And that’s quite the miracle: that I could go from a life of sports, travel, and activity, to a life in a rocking chair and that I can still say that life is good, and that God is good!

There are many songs and sayings that speak about God’s transforming power:

• He makes beauty from ashes
• Joy comes in the morning
• He turns mourning into dancing

I used to think that for those to be true God would have to heal me. Only then would He make beauty from the ashes of my illness; only then would I have joy; only then would I dance. But I have come to realize that the true transformative power is when we are still in the midst of pain and suffering, yet we have beauty, joy, and dancing.

Think about it. Which is the greater miracle: God healing me so that I go on with the life I had with a single “God did this for me” testimony, or God meeting me here and now – in the middle of my struggle – giving me strength and courage, and a testimony of God’s daily intervention in my life?

Now, to be quite honest, I would have preferred the healing!! J Nevertheless, I do think that He is working a miracle in my life: He has wiped away my tears, and in their place he has given me joy and a victorious spirit, even as I walk this very hard road that I would rather not be on. By not healing me, He is instead using me to show people the truth of His love and care for us. It sounds crazy, I know! But I do really know how much He loves me and cares for me, because I have to depend on Him every minute of every day. He has not ever abandoned me, even when I couldn’t feel Him. He has been with me every step of the way, holding my hand and guiding me – and some days He has flat-out carried me!

This is the miracle: that I can sit here in my rocking chair, too weak to do much of anything, with my former life gone, and all I loved to do taken away by this disease, and I can still say “It is well with my soul!” He has, indeed, wiped away my tears, given me beauty, given me joy, and set my feet to dancing (metaphorically, at least) – and yet I am not healed. It’s a miracle!

On Anti-Islamic Protests

I have been reading about a movement in the U.S., of armed “Christians” demonstrating outside of local mosques, shouting anti-Islamic slogans, and telling the people there to leave the U.S. – people who are U.S. citizens, and have a right guaranteed in the Constitution to practice their religion. There are so many things wrong with this whole situation that it’s hard to know where to start! But I’ll try.

First off, let’s talk about the whole “Christians with guns threatening people” thing. What are the two commandments that Jesus said Christians must follow, to uphold all the law of the Bible? (1) Love God with all your mind, heart and soul; (2) Love your neighbor as yourself. It’s #2 that is key here: as Christians, we are called to love everyone as much as we love ourselves. (A corollary, the Golden Rule, is also key.) And, in case anyone is confused about who their neighbor is, Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan, which emphasizes that everyone is our neighbor. So, these Muslims, who literally live in our neighborhoods, are most definitely our neighbors, and we should be loving them, not threatening them with guns.

Closely related is the very important teaching of Jesus that we are to love our enemies. We are supposed to pray for our enemies, not threaten them or take up arms against them! Even if you have been so brainwashed by Fox “News” that you think all Muslims are your enemy, as a Christian your required response should be to love them and pray for them, not take up guns and threaten them. For a Christian to pick up a gun and confront those he considers his enemy violates one of the primary teachings of Christianity.

Now let’s address another of Christ’s commandments: He tells us we are to “make disciples of all nations.” Tell me, how does threatening someone with a gun and yelling hateful slogans at them lead them to Christ? (I’ll just leave that thought here…)

Furthermore, those who are attending these protests are actually doing exactly what Al Qaeda, ISIS, and the Taliban want them to do! Extremists who use terror in the name of Islam preach to their flocks that America hates Islam and is at war with Muslims. Imagine their joy when they see pictures of Americans doing just that! It is fuel to their fire of hatred. These anti-Islamic protesters are unwitting dupes of “Radical” Islam. If you really want to quench the fires of hatred, then pour out love on Muslims. Don’t give the Taliban/Al Qaeda/ISIS any “proof” that America hates Islam!

And let’s get this one thing clear: the vast majority of Muslims do not hate Christians or America, and are not “at war” with Christianity! The so-called “Muslim” extremists of Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and ISIS do not define Islam any more than the KKK or white supremacists/Nazis define Christianity! To attack all Muslims as anti-American is ignorant and hateful.

So, let me summarize:

1. American Muslims have a Constitutionally guaranteed right to practice their religion here.
2. Christ teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, not take up arms and threaten them.
3. Christ teaches us to love our enemies and pray for them, not take up arms and threaten them.
4. Christ teaches us to make disciples of all nations, not take up arms and threaten them.
5. Terrorists who use Islam preach to their followers that America hates Islam and Muslims. People who stand outside of mosques with guns, shouting anti-Islam slogans, are doing just what the Taliban/ISIS/Al Qaeda want!
6. Terrorist Muslims do not define Islam any more than the KKK/Nazis define Christianity. Most Muslims do not hate Christianity or America. Don’t give them any excuse to change that!

Basically, it comes down to two things: Christ’s teachings are diametrically opposed to the actions of those who take part in these protests; and those who do so are doing exactly what Islamic terrorists want them to do. So, these protesters are NOT Christian, and are actually supporting Islamic terrorists.

Jesus, Bring the Rain?

There is a very popular Christian song called “Bring the Rain” by the group Mercy Me. This is the chorus:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Those last two lines: no. Just no.

First off, God doesn’t “send” bad things into our lives, for any reason. Bad things happen to us because we live in a fallen world, full of fallen people. But God doesn’t send those things to us. They just happen. Asking God to “bring the rain” is heretical, at best, and self-destructive, at worst.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that bad times are God-sent, and so it’s something we can ask for. As someone whose life has had more than its share of “rain” I can say without question: DO NOT PRAY FOR HARD TIMES! Even if “that’s what it takes to praise” God! It sounds so spiritual for someone to say, “I’m so glad I experienced that (cancer, loss of a job, etc) because I’ve learned so much about God and His love!” But, ask the parent who lost a child if they’re glad their child is dead because they’ve gained so much insight into God’s love through coping with it. Ask the husband who lost his wife and the mother of his children to cancer if he is glad his wife is dead, because through her death he learned more about God’s love. The answer would be a resounding “NO!”

It’s certainly true that through hard times we can learn more about ourselves and about God, but you’d be a fool to ask for these difficulties. Certainly, because of learning to cope with my illness, my relationship with God is deeper than it was before I was ill. But, without a doubt, I would still rather be healthy and living my old life than living this one. The life I have now is HARD!!! This life is a battle. Every. Single. Day. I struggle just to get out of bed. I struggle to make it through the day, without wearing myself out. I struggle to keep depression and despair at bay. Do you really want that?  Really?? Maybe I’m not spiritual enough, but I’m NOT glad I’m suffering this undiagnosed illness that has robbed me of my job, my hobbies, my volunteer work, my very health! Yes, I am glad that I have learned wonderful things through this struggle, and I’m eternally grateful to a God who has been able to bring some good out of it, but I am not glad I’m ill and disabled. I’m not glad that this is how my life has ended up. I am not thankful for this illness. I am only thankful for a loving God who has been with me every step of the way, and who daily gives me strength.

Asking for “the rain” to fall in your life is silly and pseudo-spiritual. If you really knew what it was like to face life-altering struggles, you would NEVER ask for them! For me, knowing more of God is not a fair trade-off for my health and all that its loss entails.  Maybe that makes me a poor Christian or not spiritual enough, but I’m just being honest. I would trade my newfound spiritual growth for my old life – in a heartbeat. In my old life, I knew God and His love for me. I walked with God, I served God. Maybe the depth of my knowledge wasn’t as great as it is now, but I certainly lived a spiritual life, even as a healthy person. So why would I want an illness that has taken away so much of my life, just so that I could feel God’s love a bit more? Sorry, but to me it’s just not a fair trade-off.

So, just stop “praying for rain” – it’s just not good theology, and it’s a false spiritual attitude. God doesn’t send you hard times, and those hard times you do end up going through could rob you of your husband/wife, your child, your health. Do you really want to lose those things in your life? No sane person would. And no loving God would send such things into our lives.

In the Darkness

I just bought a book called Celtic Blessings (compiled by Ray Simpson) and one of the prayers is “for a lonely soul” and it goes like this:

In the stillness
See the wonder of God’s art
In the silence
Feel Christ’s presence
In the sunlight
Watch the Holy Spirit dance
In the darkness
Find faith’s essence
--Jane M. Machickan

That last couplet really hit me – it’s in the darkness that we find the very essence of our faith. We all know it’s easy to believe in a kind and loving God when everything is going well. We feel His love shining down on us, as we bask in a worry-free life. But what happens when things go wrong? What happens when LIFE happens – when bad, tragic and awful things crash into our lives?

I think you can interpret that couplet as a sort of statement of fact about faith: in the darkness you will discover what your faith is really built on. If your faith is built on the premise that God is some sort of magic genie who grants your every wish, or that He will reward you if you are “good” (which implies He will punish you if you’re bad) then when bad things happen you are lost. If that is your faith, then in the darkness you find nothing to really stand on. Your whole view of God goes out the window – how can He give you bad things (or allow bad things to happen) if He loves you? Your very faith, that thing you thought sustained you, falls apart like tissue paper in the rain. You either turn your back on God for not keeping His part of the bargain, or you get angry at God and become bitter and spiteful.

On the other hand, if you believe in a God who loves you unconditionally, if you believe in a God who can create good even out of bad, if you believe in a God who will give you the strength to face anything, then when bad things happen you stand firmly on The Rock. You discover the essence of your faith, and that essence is that God loves you, and that His love for you cannot be shaken, no matter your circumstances. In the darkness, you find Christ – holding your hand, giving you strength, comforting you. You truly find that you are not alone in your walk on this earth. He is there, always. No matter how dark, no matter how bad, He is with you and He will never leave you.

Now, I’m sure that the intent of the prayer is “In the darkness, may you find the unshakable essence of faith, which is that God loves you.” And that is truly my prayer for anyone going through hard times (that is, experiencing life.) But I do think that reading it as a sort of litmus test for faith is also valid. Truly, when tragedy strikes, when hard times come, what is your faith like? You’ll find out.

I Am

A short one. It came to me overnight. I share it in hopes it will be an encouragement to someone.

Oh my darling one, do you know how very much you are loved? You look at what you are facing, what you are going through, and you think it’s too much, you think I have abandoned you. But, oh, my darling, this is where you can truly meet Me! In the midst of your pain, in the midst of your loneliness, I Am here. I Am holding you. I Am catching your tears as they fall. I Am whispering in your ear, “I Am with you, always.” You are not alone. You are not forgotten. Reach out to Me and you will find Me, for I Am here. I will never leave you.

Rest, now, my love – rest in my arms. Lay down your burdens, lay down the struggle. For I Am your strength. I Am your refuge. I Am your shelter. Do not try to carry this burden yourself, you were not made to do so. But let Me carry it for you. My shoulders are broad, my hand it will not falter. Rest in my arms. I will not let you go. For you are my precious child, and I Am here. Always.

Strength

Yesterday was a hard day. I’m still trying to recover, physically, from the week of WorldCon, and also still trying to regain my confidence as a writer. (Certain events transpired to make me doubt that I am a writer, which has shaken me quite a bit.) I had a good session with my mental health counselor (the incomparable Dr. Michelle Estelle of Cornerstone Psychologists) but by the end of the day I was still pretty miserable in body, mind and spirit.

As I was getting into bed, I sighed and thought, “I am tired of being strong – I can’t keep this up.” And then that still, small voice said, “You don’t have to be strong, that’s My job.” And I nearly laughed out loud, with the joy of it all, as I remembered that God is the source of my strength. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” [Phil. 4:13] I felt a huge weight fall from my shoulders. I realized I had been trying to carry my own burden, trying to “be strong” because that’s what I felt I needed to do. But in all of this I forgot the source of my strength.

Truly, I am not strong enough to carry this burden of being disabled, of being so physically weak that I have had to give up much of what I used to love, of being so tired that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. It is just too hard to face this daily struggle – if I do so in my own strength, that is. Remembering that it’s not my strength but God’s, has given my spirit a feeling of freedom – I’m no longer responsible for “being strong” and carrying this burden! It was never mine to carry. I knew this, and lived this before, but somehow over the past few weeks I had forgotten it. I am so thankful for the gentle voice of God reminding me of His truth and His love for me.

So, today, though I’m still exhausted, and still feeling tentative as a writer, I know that I can face it all and get through it all, because I am not relying on my own, terribly fragile, strength. I have the strength of the Creator of the Universe in me! I can do this!!

Why Doesn't God Heal Me?

Why hasn’t God healed me? That is the million dollar question for anyone struggling with a chronic or terminal illness. And I don’t have an answer for that question – one I’ve asked many, many times. But I do have a response, one that took years for me to understand. I want to share my journey and hope that my struggles might help someone else in a similar situation.

Eleven and a half years ago, I was struck down by a mystery illness that has left me in a state where my muscles do not work correctly, causing tremors and crushing muscular fatigue. At the time this hit, I was an extremely fit bike racer, the latest in a string of sports dating back to my earliest childhood. I was ALWAYS doing some sport or physical activity. Since the onset of my illness, however, I have become increasingly weak, forcing me to give up more and more activities, to the point where I had to give up working because it was just too fatiguing to even get showered and dressed.

As soon as I realized this condition wasn’t going away, I began asking God to heal me. I asked friends and family to pray for me. People at my church prayed for me. I went to the Healing Center here in Spokane, and had them pray for me. People are still praying for my healing. But I haven’t been healed, or even sent to a doctor who can help me. And, initially, this made me angry. If God loves me, why does He let me suffer? Doesn’t He know how miserable I am?

Greater theologians than I have tried to tackle the issue of suffering, so I certainly don’t have anything to add to that conversation. But what I have learned is that the question “Why hasn’t God healed me?” is not the question to be asking. Because He is God and His ways are higher than ours, there are things we do not understand. But just because we don’t understand things, that doesn’t change who God is or His love for us. If I believed God loved me before my illness, how does that fact change just because I’m disabled? If before I was sick I believed God was on the throne with Jesus at His right hand, how can my illness change that? If before my illness I believed the Holy Spirit was dwelling inside me, giving me strength and guidance, how does my illness negate that? When I realized that my circumstances do not – and cannot – change who God is and how much He loves me, it was a major milestone in my life. It moved my spirit away from despair and into a place of walking with God, regardless of my physical state.

Once I started to grasp that God is still God and that He still loves me, I started learning to live in what Don Piper in his book 90 Minutes in Heaven calls the “new normal” – I may be physically restricted, but I don’t also have to be spiritually restricted! I was no longer burdened with trying to figure out why God wasn’t healing me, and I stopped trying to convince him to. “If I pray for an hour a day, maybe he will heal me” or “I just need to find the right way to ask for healing” or “I just need to discover what God is trying to teach me through this, and then He’ll heal me” were all ways that I struggled to make God heal me. When I realized that focusing on my lack of healing was really hindering what God wanted to do in my life, here and now, I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders. No, I don’t know why God hasn’t healed me, but that is not going to stop me from moving forward with my life – even a life that is so physically restricted.

Let us never forget that God is in the business of turning dark into light, defeat into victory – so He can certainly take my disability and make something good come of it. Do I still wish He would heal me? Every. Single. Day. But now I focus on Him, and live in expectation for what He will create in me. My disability doesn’t disable God!